Return to the Temple, I become Ash in Flame

I'm standing where he held me so tight... all of me was encompassed in all of him. As my body approached the Temple of Our Love- where we had gone to gaze at the moon and take refuge from the city life, all of the cells in my body came alive with the memory of him.

I recalled his body pressed into mine, our hearts fused together, his entire spirit melded with the buoyancy of my breath, our faces smiling at our eternal love. We had overcame so much but the last obstacle was yet to come. The last hill was a hill I had to climb without the entrapments of our past. All concepts of love must dissolve, all of our constructed thoughts and judgements were dilapidated frameworks with faulty foundations that we could not see a way out of.  

I lit aflame to ALL of it; our past story, our entangled heartstrings, our hurt, our shame and anger, the rage that burned scars onto our hearts, the betrayal of words and actions. Every time the doors shut in fear, our house became empty frames drained of flesh's compassion. 

The creeks in the hallways whispered nightmares when I lay my foot upon the wood, they would tell me of the greatest terror I could imagine; that I would be left behind. But it wasn't a dream; he really had to break the shackles of our engagement, our commitments, everything we thought we had must burn away, for us to find the one jewel that cannot be destroyed; the everlasting love in our hearts. 

I became naked in the fire, stripped of my identity with him; I could no longer lean or depend on hope. Every time I placed my hands on the walls, they crumbled beneath my touch. My flesh would cook on the stove, but when the water all boiled out I was left singed and damaged by his words of rage. 

I, like a wild animal just needed to break free. 

I must let every last sinew of my psyche's traumatic past become the ash of a ghost that died long ago. There must be things left in the there, forever; we must allow the falsehood of our pain dissolve into a meaningless pile of debris.  Our life journey together became unhinged, truth blew through the rafters, cleansing the grime of our grievances.  The doorways flying free and open, I must witness this destruction to the marrow of our love; I want to see the bones disintegrate, and discover what is left. 

I found, once all of the constructs of our love were devoured by illusions’s flames, we finally saw each other's eyes untainted with the ghosts that used to rule over us.  

But fresh air's graces were not enough to pierce my soul. I lit a match to spark the last fire; our hearts had to burn away all impurities. 

My heart was not done throwing daggers, for he was not welcome in my territory any longer, and I was not welcome in his. Our words to our trusted confidants tainted each other so much that neither of our wifeys supported our coming back together, the re-merging of our true bonds of friendship. I resented him for making me the enemy to his beloved; I resented him plotting us against each other. I had to make him feel the pain of what it was not not be welcome somewhere. 

So he stepped on my territory in which I had placed mines, and he was ripped open by the force of the blast, his eyes seared terror and disgust into me. Like "Really? Really?! You're not done fighting yet?!"

 I threw in my white flag now that I saw war is a futile force of endless brutality- yet somehow I felt even and justified in my offense. Yet I had to clean up the mess of my woe, wipe the blood up from the floor, on my hands and knees in shame and disgust that I, a peaceful lover needed to see him bleed one last time before I could build a new foundation of trust with him. 

My tongue found the wounds and licked them, my gentle touch grazed the back of his heart in comfort like a mother solacing her child. We had often felt like each other's children- I his mother, he my father, and allowed each other to be comforted by this parental force. Despite his disgust he let me soothe his pain- one last time. 

One last time-words that echoed in my ears because we made promises to each other that neither could keep. We had broken too many ideals of love to have any more weight in promises. 

When we stopped feeding coal to the  steam engine to our egos, all we had was the incombustible power of love. Every attempt at suicide and murder had failed; I lit a match and I burned it to the ground, and every time we met one another in a place which only magnified our truth; God had shown us that we cannot destroy the only thing that is real. 

'Pick up your blown away body parts and piece them together' he said, because the only way to sutra the wounds is to allow each other to love again. He, my villain and my doctor, I sunk back into the comfort of his arms, dissolved into the truth of what we built our life on, and grace's light poured into our vessels like an endless fountain from the heaven's. Angels rejoiced, for when we are enemies, the entire natural world is thrown out of balance. If we could not find love in each other, it would be like if the moon was at war with the sun; if the tides could no longer flow, if gravity was reversed,  chaos would ensue upon humanity. No, my Solar lord must shine his light onto my Lunar skin; it is a primordial law that not even the most powerful Gods can change. 

I had to infuse my entire heart and soul with the unity of the Self- of no other. While we orbit around each other, while I still feel the halo of his soul over seeing mine, encompassing mine, being the King and the guiding light in my life.... I have to feel equally how I am my own Sun. I am my own source of love and fire. I cannot lean on him to heal and soothe my most tender parts no matter how amazing he is at that, at comforting and soothing me. I am learning to love me, hug myself ... love myself ... every part... so I can never cry out again

"Why don't you love me ?!" Because there will never be a time that I do not love myself. I am the LoveAngel ... loveable love and beloved in myself, Whole and complete. 

I know that pain will surface again, I know that the complexities of humanity are not done challenging us; yet we are now ready to meet those challenges with much more compassion, like listening to a small child cry who lost her way. Let’s hold that crying child closer to our hearts; for the yelling and screaming only bruised each other’s hearts to the point where I could no longer expose myself to the emotional trauma.