Drink from my Chalice, Find eternity

August 30th 2011

Yesterday morning began as usual with tea and breakfast served with utmost attention to detail; he arranged the fruit with beauty and care, in the shape of a mandala, drizzled in honey and covered in coconut flakes. We ate in silence, and I could tell something was weighing on his heart. We were happy, but there was and audible block between us. I could´t allow the day to continue with this feeling of only having half access to his heart.

¨Como esta too´ corazón?¨I inquired while laying atop his firm body of muscle and bones. He gazed away, not wanting to confront this feeling in his heart, of loving a woman, only to see her go.

¨It´s hard to explain…¨ his consciousness drifted off to distant memories of lovers gained and lost by distance and time. But here I was, his current lover, wanting his undying affection, even if it meant separation in a week when I board my plane and fly back home to the States.

¨It´s for self defense,¨ he explained more, ¨I love so much, only to see you go. So it´s easier not to feel the love I have for you, to protect my heart.¨  I didn´t want to hear these words. I didn´t want to think about leaving my lover, and this simple life with him, alight temporary. All I want is his undying devotion to me, to us, to our love right now. I can deal with the pain of separation later. But perhaps he was right for he loves so profoundly and can no longer take the breaking of the pieces of his passion to flee into the world of babylon. 

I held him there, stroking his face, telling him that I cared for him, and that for at least these moments, my request is that of presence with each other. He arose quickly, ¨Vamos a la playa!¨ I wasn´t having it. My womb deep inside yearned for the pressure of his exquisite and firm serpent inside of me. I would not let him pass until he surrendered to pleasure. I peeled off my clothes, kissing his skin gently so I could feel the electricity building. Pinning him down with my knees, I rocked gently and slowly on top of him, he didn´t object, and pleasure began to show on his face, like a child tasting his favorite ice cream. I wouldn´t quite let him inside me, just brushing the tip of his cock on the precipice of my crevice, he was only aloud to feel my opening. The giving and revoking pleasure, was a game I could play for quite some time. 

I wouldn´t let him all the way in, and ran into the shower so he would chase me and take me standing up, which was my favorite position with him. The water rushed down our bodies, as if taking part in our pleasure game. He lifted my leg up and tilted his pelvis under mine, driving his thick large cock further into me than was seemingly possible. He drove me against the wall, my body collapsed onto his, completely helpless to his passion, I became like a jelly mold of myself. I cannot hold onto anything, him holding so tightly onto me, the imprint of his hand left on my thigh. His solid and firm frame held me up with ease, gravity would not prevent him from vibrating pleasure through the walls of this shower. I turned around and bent over so he could dance his rod into my 

G-spot even more. It was a demanding stance, yet he galloped like a Stallion Horse,  which commanded juice to overflow from every pore. Every sheath of my body was shaking in delight by him, all the way up to my brain. This still wasn´t enough for the wild stallion, and he lifted me up higher, like a forward piggyback, so no part of me was touching the ground. My bouncing body moved synchronistically with my throbbing lips, up and down his monument. He rode past the sunset of my pussy, showering his male blessing upon my young skin, pulsating there with me for a few tender minutes. Until there was nothing left but love.

Somehow, my pussy did not get enough. The pain of pleasure pushing up against me was like a hot knife, cutting through my psyche, and could only be relieved by orgasm. I pulled him back into bed with me, and sweetly coaxed his fingers to penetrate my screaming tissues, completely overtaken by desire.  I, working my clit, meditated on my pleasure by allowing his love to travel into the more subtle parts of my body. In yoga, there are coverings of our essential self, called Koshas, or sheaths, and at the moment of orgasm, I was sure that he punctured all five, going straight to ananda-maya-kosha, or Supreme Consciousness as Bliss. I gazed into his eyes, now childlike and wide, he gazed into me with a new found purity. I though I had never seen such beauty than his spirit reflected through the devotional gaze of the brown universes of his iris. I´m not sure what love is, or where it comes from, or why it feels so good. My only explanation is that it links us to the truth of who we are, as eternal bliss beings, and even sexual love is a portal through which we get to travel and open to dimensions of vibrating ecstasy inside the body. 

The musky smell of his skin is like mud mixed with blood, semen, and maple sap from the largest tree in the forest. 

Our veins, intertwined like the spirals of the bark of fallen branch.

A heart beat so large, I follow the rhythm to the outer stretches of the universe. 

Everything is contained in everything. 

The entirety of the universe could possibly exist between the firing synapses and neurons in my brain. The possibilities are as endless as the entire cosmos!

 The total Sum of God´s love could be found in this one human heart, a sacred doorway to the One.

Open to me like this, dear lover. Treat me as your God, as this Amrit that you stir with your Vajra sword. Stir the ambrosia of my white sparkling lustrous liquid and drink the elixir of the gods, find the fountain of youth, reach the crown of Enlightenment

Your awakening, found between two opposing poles, is found inside of me.

This is your truth, why are we always limiting ourselves of this love through the conceived distance of earthly miles? 

Love is supreme, travels all distances, and never leaves, for it always was and always will be. 

Your pulse, the unstuck sound linked beyond space-time´s vortices, continues beyond the last earthly breath that you will take, 

and is what will carry you beyond the greatest humanly suffering. 

Nothing is more valued than love, the love you gave and shared, the love expressed from the grace of your fingertips, the love you fed to the mouth of your Beloved.

 Nothing is more precious than this Holy exchange in the Temple of the Body.

 Regret will only fill you if you had not loved, a denial of experiences lost to the delusion that we were once separate. 

 But rejoice in these moments when two hearts beat as one, where two rivers of blood join into a more beautiful color of red.

Oh Beloved! Nothing is more sacred than the moments you share with the Goddess she,

 a rare Oasis for your thirst. 

Celebrate the vibrating chalice that is the resting place for your hidden secrets, for the stories you will never speak.

Drink from the fountain of my soft trickle and I will feed the inner asking of your desire and tell you legends between my soft and womanly legs.

 Every man needs a woman I say, yet not every man deserves or appreciates her subtle Grace. 

A sweet honey comb home to lick when the world is much too sour. She, A sacred cave, taste this when your heart is filled with bitterness. 

She is the reminder that life is a tranquil purity.

Take Solace in the Damp Retreat, always awaiting your return, a place for your rest and worship, of nourishment.  Sow your seeds of life here, in this valley of grace, for She will always forgive you. Kali Ma! The Great Dark Mother, the Cosmic Womb in which we are born and will return again when we die. Allow my pussy to remind you of this, my darkness sucking you into deeper and deeper into your simple consciousness, the I am, We Are, You, I, Am Forever.

Om Tara! Never-ending compassion and forgiveness beckons you near. Face her with eyes of truth and you will be granted her Love. For she Sees that the Shadow is where the Greatest Light is Born. Sleep here, child, in the bosom of her love, and all will be repaired. Her great Soma of Wholeness will not deny any part of you, she pierces your suffering and mends it. Pray at her feet and your crown will be blessed with life.  A light so supreme radiates from her Eyes, all Untruths erased in Beauty, all Darkness cleansed in the Truth of Love. So much lost in the realm of Samsara, but in the arms of the mother, we realize there is nothing to be gained but the humility of surrender.

 I write these words Beloved, to You, so that you may meet me here, in the land of the All-Pervading Bliss of Our Pure Essence. I lay still here, no Kriyas of action, for no action will produce the fruits that silence will bear.  Listen with me here, put your ear to my luminous Tomb, where Death is the Road to Awe, where we once again Return to Her. Great Mother, carry me home, to the waters of the Infinite. Fill me with your oceanic depths of truth, touch my scared body, that only tells of my pain, and release me from the bondage of suffering. This journey is great, and I travel only with a sips of your nectar-filled grace. Fill my cup, o Great Supreme, soften my edges, i wish to reunite with you, to no longer look in places of limited desire, but to seek the Supreme Truth of Your One-ness, oh Holy Majesty, I bow to thee. I am yours. Set me free. 

Kali Ravishing the Dragon; Riding Time's Eternal Wave

 Kali Ravishing the Dragon;

Riding Time's Eternal Wave

The Goddess is the Bliss of being, and we can never be content unless we realize this joy within our own hearts.   -Dr. David Frawley  

Submerged in deep waters, I float between the cracks of my subconscious and a dream. Appearing out of the green and black mystery the dragon flashes his bold orange scales, crazy claws and luminous torso. Dauntless and on the prowl, he moves with speed and grace. He's glorious and strong with his eye on the kill.  Fresh meat is his only thought, and I see he's ferociously chasing a beautiful water sprite, mermaid-like. She's desperately trying to escape him. With all his might he extends his claws in a desperate grasp for her tail. She dodges him, narrowly escaping her fate as she slips in between two rocks of mercy. She avoids death for now. The dragon shocked by her swift moves is filled with rage as his boiling desire for flesh and bone has not been satiated. She's breathless, yet enlivened by this close call. What did this creature ultimately want with the soft and supple mermaid? Was it her beauty and grace? Pleasure? Control? 

I wake up in a fluffy bed with a warm sweaty body lying next to mine. He rolls over and puts his hands on me; long nails scrape my skin. His stomach pulsates next to mine. Something starts to bubble up. At first it's a small ripple, but soon it’s a raging force of nature. I have a feeling that I shouldn't be here, and I shouldn't be doing this. Shakti, the sexual life force whispers into our hearts,  "Listen to the subtle sounds within, for you are not the cause of movement," she says "but are being danced by me." I try to deny that there's a small fire burning inside me, a fire that’s hard to put out.

I'm still clothed. How can I get away from the wrathful fire of desire? “Just keep your clothes on," I think.  He continues to grasp at me, yearning for pleasure. We continue this gyrating dance of seduction and pain, control and submission.  I rip off my shirt, roll on top of his belly, ass in the air and he slips his hands into a secret place below the depths of my being. I'm trapped; there's no getting away now. His grip is too strong. I surrender in pleasure; I have no place to go. My inner muscles get tighter and tighter, and it feels as though he is reaching up inside of me, clamping down like a vice around the part of my brain that inhibits movement. I moan and sweat; he’s drenched in the heat of the summer morning. Waves crash. I come.

I continue the day as though in a dream state. We roll out of the house with a glimmer in our eyes and please our bellies with food and coffee. We find a soft spot on the sand, and offer our bodies to the sun. Devotionally, I allow the light of this hot July day to radiate its heat upon me. When we can't take the intense radiation any more we jump into the cooling waters of the ocean, a shocking reminder of how quickly heat can dissolve into cold. I delight in the contrast of the two. Eventually we part ways, honoring the energy and intensity we shared.

My dream state becomes shockingly real once I return to the cityscape of a bustling downtown area. Was I really in a bubble of paradise just this morning, luxuriating by the seaside?  I can't help but think how delicate life is; how beauty is so transitory, and that eventually everything dies. We have this small window of existence called life. What is this dance?

Unconsciously, we experience life and death within the measurement of one full breath. We inhale life force, experience its fullness, then exhale to its death and surrender it back to emptiness. The space between here and there is a speck, a blink of Kali's eye as she waves her wand of blood and compassion. She loves us and shows us mercy, but not without pain. Crazily we agreed to incarnation's law of separation.  We enter the world through our mother's womb through a series of contractions, which brings us to a dual state of consciousness. After our last breath we expand through The Father's crown, returning to the blissfulness of Oneness.  So what to make of flesh and bone, blood, sweat and sex? Why does life seem so fragile? Why is this moment, right here, right now so important to wake up to? Is this all we have? 

I'm loosing more and more blood with every passing menstrual cycle, which is forcing me to sleep more, lay close to the earth and contemplate life, death, and energy.  My body has been forcing me to move slowly, allowing me time to think, be, and feel in the present moment. The great dark mother Kali, which breathes life into us, can, and will, take it away. Kali means "to count, to measure, or to set in motion," hence time. The measurement between my birth and death is slowing down for me so I can truly appreciate the rising and falling of awareness. We never know when the clock will strike midnight, and Kali's hand will come down to slay our necks and the illusion of time will once again appear endless. I will have only but one choice; to surrender; to let go of this mortal coil and be set free into the boundless sky. 

Despite my burning desire for food, sex, pleasure and beauty I know these things will never fulfill my deepest yearning. My spirit longs to be united with the Mother. Why, then, were we even given a body?  Why the split between consciousness and form? Maya; our gift of creation, our fall from grace. We dance in duality, so that we may sit more deeply with the discomfort of pain. We hopelessly seek fulfillment in distraction, yet we must be courageous and feel our way through life, and go towards freedom. The key is surrendering to what is; not projecting, not judging oneself, just relaxing into the moment, which mean sometimes sitting with discomfort.  

Is beauty worth all the pain? Is awakening so powerful that it pierces through the veils of death, suffering, disease and war?

We all have had moments of darkness and suffering; had our hearts broken or even witnessed a family member pass in an untimely manner. The clock that Kali holds never stops, not even at death. She holds everything in her womb of wisdom; the profane and sacred, sharks and bunnies, love and war.  She welcomes all of it, showing us that our pain is the pathway to our greatest learning. She sees the divine orchestration in all things and has unwavering faith amidst our screams to creation of, "WHY ME? WHY THIS NOW, WHY THIS WAY?" These are moments when she asks us to pull strength from our own well-spring of source. She will answer our soul's yearning. All-knowing, she carries the mystery, with unwavering love for her children. We surrender to the mother, the breather of life into the cosmos, the ultimate manifestation of beauty into form. 

For now, our feet are what we have to walk with, our voices to talk with, our body to express with and our brain to learn with. Utilize this ground you're walking on. Sustenance is merely just a tool for higher awakening. We cannot "get out" until we wake up in our bodies. By recognizing the sacredness in simple pleasures, we begin to have love for all of creation.  By observing the recurring patterns of the universe, such as the Fibonacci sequence, one finds unity within the All. Just like Kali adding numbers to create our living matrix, these numbers formulate the spiral of creation. We are but drops in this infinite ocean of primordial spinning vibration, serving each other on this endless dance floor of remembering what we once forgot. 

As a spiritual warrior, why is awakening to sublime states of consciousness so absolutely stunning? Why do we continually fall in love, even though we know our hearts will break when that love is taken from us? Why do we continuously grasp happiness outside ourselves, when the only answer is within our hearts? We are the most compacted lock, yet the seat of our consciousness is the key to all doors. In other words, why do I keep trying to find fulfillment in ice cream, coffee, in human relationships and in sex? 

Could it be that behind the seriousness of seeking Truth, there is merely the pleasure and enjoyment of the Goddess?  Let’s take each other off the spiritual hook for a moment, and stop "trying to get there.” Perhaps spiritual attainment is in the ice cream.  As I sit in the neighborhood gelato shop, it sure seems to be a place worthy of worship. Families line up in droves to enjoy flavors such as root beer float, strawberry custard and madagascar vanilla. A white father covered in tattoos holds his black daughter.  His 11-year old daughter is standing next to him.  She is a slender blond dressed in fishnets, cowgirl boots, a sparkling tutu and an orange farmer's hat.  It's clear to me that she doesn't give a shit about sex, consciousness or arising Shakti in the body. All she can do right now is revel in the joyous texture and flavor of the ice cream. Her dad calls out her name, Amrita (which means nectar of the Gods). By enjoying her ice cream in this moment, Amrita is enjoying the ambrosia, the divine sweetness of the ice cream. She is a spiritual warrior, transported by her ice cream experience; the trick is to not get attached to this experience; lick, enjoy, and let go. Not all beings know they are on a spiritual quest to expand their consciousness beyond space and time, so enjoyment becomes a worthy means of worship.

Think of the sheer scope and grandeur of time.  Because Kali is infinite, it gives Amrita permission to do as she pleases in this moment. She’ll follow her every desire until she chooses to mature, and find happiness in her inner home. Yet once she has arrived "home" in the abode of shiva's third eye, where will she choose to go? 

The tantric view I wish to convey is a FUCK YES to existence.  Existence in this body means inhabiting the splendid desire to taste life, and yoking every last drop. I want to dance, skip, and make love to life. I want to experience the myriad of creation because it's fun. Yup. The only way "out" is straight on through. The divine orchestrator conjured up the perfect formula for life so that we could enjoy it. Kali's perfect Opus is awaiting our admiration.

After tasting every taste, seeing every beautiful sight, falling in love countless times, we realize that there is an everlasting happiness available to us.  After we’ve experienced and lost happiness, we search for lasting contentment inside of our quiet minds. In that infinite expanse we find Kali's abode, dancing on Shiva's corpse. When the outside no longer please the inner, our hearts cry out to Kali to bring us back into her womb where there is no clock keeping time, there is no rent to pay and there is not a hungry belly to be fed.  There is only an oozing of her primordial soma. We all wish to return to her womb, where we can be in her embrace, be fed by her nectar and be held in her love. Life can be  so hard. Chopping wood and carrying water get tiresome. Eventually our hearts will cry out to our creator and ask to be fed by spiritual love.

Spiritual love is higher than Everest, deeper than the Pacific and more powerful than a black hole. It is Lord Shiva's eye, peering out of Kali's body, so piercing and pure that we have no choice but to surrender to His light. This earth is just a manifestation of his splendid inner knowing; a dance of ultimate consciousness. Shiva is the designer, Kali the design. They dance together, holding hands in eternity.

What is the Mother, dear Kali, asking us to do? She wishes for us to ride the sword’s edge between birth and death, of pleasure and pain, of the inhalation and exhalation, and appreciate the gift of the body. Is our life's experience alone not worthy of worship?

Being present to Her creation is the gateway to our secret beauty. The moment we recognize this we become Her, and She, Us.  It's easy to rush through the game, run away from ourselves   and get lost in the rat race of doing.  By rushing, we miss the synchronicity of the conductor; something is played out of tune.  It takes a warrior of love to fully embrace reality with courage. By facing our fears and looking at the dragon head on, we begin to open to grace. Peer into his eyes, no matter how uncomfortable, for this is just purification. "Just be with it,” she whispers.

By opening the vessel of my body to the wisdom of the kundalini serpent, I start to receive energy from both ends. The dragon invokes my secret river to run, and my juice pours out of my yoni; first like squirting throbs of desire then like tears falling from the bodhisattva's cheeks. I cry in my pleasure, for the sheer power of Shakti's dance inside my heart makes me surrender into the depths of another's soul. Through this sexual dance, the cracks of heaven open the gates of truth. Experience Kali's love in this breath, in this gyrating dance between yin and yang, until the Jade sword cuts through space, creating the bindhu of creation inside the yoni's blissful expanse. The pleasure is so intense that breath is no longer possible to take in. After convulsing at the very peak of arousal, peacefulness emerges from the void. Through this silence, we can hear Her opus of life. The ego bows to her sword so that we may hear infinite beauty ringing through unfathomable space. Kali takes many forms; fierce mother, lover, giver and taker of life. Kali is the beauty behind the rose. Like a flower, when she withers and dies, Kali's divine matrix lives on forever. When our lives wither, and we slowly begin to digress, Kali welcomes us back into her bosom, with an open heart.

In the dream, I swim back under the water, flipping my mermaid tail. Refreshed, I push towards the light, and peak my little eyes above the surface of the water. I take a breath of air; rejoicing in this simple act of life. I delight in my fast mermaid body, and hurl myself as fast as I can into the depths of the oceanic gates of time; and I see him, the dragon. He smiles at me. His belly is full. It looks like I'm spared another day, and can swim without threat. I peer closer into his gentle yet striking eyes. It's as if he could turn on me at any moment. He doesn't. The dragon invites me to take hold of his shimmering scales. I ride. 

The Courage to Love is The Courage in Which We Face Death

I see men in my life, experience their words, their eye contact, and their unspoken desires to love fully and be loved fully in return. But what holds us back from that full commitment to love is the same fear that we have for death. What would happen if we completely let go of preconceived notions, of judgements of ourselves, of others, and allowed ourselves to fully love one another. With no fear. With no abandon. With every cell of our body loved them.

I have just returned from a trip to Costa Rica which was slightly dissatisfying. Because I was there to love, completely, to give love my all, and He, my Costa Rican lover, was distant. He was protecting his heart because he knew I would be leaving in  2 weeks. But love was the only reason I was there, the only reason I'm on earth, and I wish to love fully, even if that means I get my heart broken and feel the depths of despair. I miss him now, his smell, his body heat in the bed, his kisses in the morning, his undying compassionate presence. But most of all I miss his authentic self, which at his core, I know he is a Selfless, fearless lover.

I love the concept of being able to face love the same way you face death; they both have the power to transform us, to burn away at us our shadow, and to teach us the Ultimate Teaching. Eventually, we are burned by love, but this fire is purifying, distilling us down to our very core essence, that of God. If we are not willing to love, we are missing our chance to be realized beings.

"Death is the Road to Awe" Is one of my favorite quotes from the movie, "The Fountain," in which the antagonist is searching for eternal life through a scientific breakthrough in medicine as his wife is dying of cancer. She has surrendered to the fact that she's dying, and confesses that she's no longer scared, that she's at peace with her passing. It's her husband that is frantically running around denying reality, unable to witness and love her fully in the moment because he is afraid of death. He names it a disease. But the only disease that humans have is the inability to exist in the moment. We resist so much; so much of reality. What if we sat with love. What if we held hands with death? What if we kissed the night sky as it swallowed us up, traveling through the voids of space-time?

I used to deny love; to push it away, to disvalue it, I even tried to fight it. I never won. Surrender is the only thing that wins that fight. Now I have a partner that allows me to feel this old pattern in my that would shove love to the side, but the pattern is no longer there. I try to resist, I try to pout and scream and shove at love, and it no longer budges. Then I laugh at the absurdity of it all, and embrace love as I burst into laughter, curled up in a ball on the floor with my beloved.

 If my man hurts, I softly put my hand on his heart and ask him, "How's your heart, lover?" and gently wait for the answer of his longing, of his longing to be with one woman, to have a house and kids, to make his home and place in life. This is his soul's yearning, and even though I, his lover, is present, he knows it's not for keeps. He wants to play for keeps, and his heart burns in the face of that desire.  He told me stories of almost dying, of almost getting consumed by giant waves in the ocean, or held at gun point, and he just relaxed into the possibility of death. He survived by being ready to die at any moment. But will love be the thing that kills him? Will the yearning be so deep, that it is never quite reached? He is the best man I have ever met in my life; always considerate, always working, cleaning, cooking, finding ways to show his endless devotion. Alway surrendering his ego. I'm astounded by his ability to stay calm in the face of adversity or conflict or inner turmoil. But at some point don't we have to scream out to the beloved, to pry our hearts open and say,

"Just Fucking Love Me
That's All I ask.
Love me like You'll die tomorrow,
and I'll love you back."