Royal Desire....Intro...

The beginning of a very very naughty story.... Enjoy the Intro: )

         Draped in pearls and diamonds, the Queen's dress so constricting that she can hardly breathe through her chest. The royal quarters of the castle room is softly lit by candles, her voice wrathful with truth.

 "You enter my bedchamber, a place of darkness, of fear, and the light of truth. You will either be accepted into my pussy or chopped by the dragon’s vengeance. Your neck awaits the sword of truth!

Welcome to my bedchamber. What were you hoping to learn here? How do you think you can serve the Queen? Do you think you can make me succumb to your desire for me? Do you even really know desire Do you think you can please me? Just how will you pull me into the depths of myself?

My erotic nature one day is as easy as a hairpin to unravel, the next day I am a hopeless stonewall and you must use force to crack me. But crack me you will, for it is in the crack that the light of God will shine through and you will be more able to see yourself. But not ‘yourself’ as a mere mortal, but as my Spiritual King, immortalized in the records of time.

None of you measly men are ok with death. You’re all searching for pussy because it’s the closet thing you can feel to God. But it is my secret nectar you are looking to drink, a blissful intoxicant, which stimulates your being to be closer to the Divine.

I want you to feel God in my throbbing dampness; I want you to taste divinity in my juice. I want you to take God fully in when I come in your mouth. Drink me all the way in. If there’s anything left of your ego, if you’re not fully lost in me, then you will never be found. You will slip between the cracks of time and be forgotten forever.

Be ready to surrender your head, it is your ego that I am after, the parts of your identity that you hide the most. The little secrets about your childhood that only your mother knows, the way in which you seek comfort behind your own shadow, I want to shine a lantern to your forbidden soul.  Wait for my love in the darkness, like that place in your heart where no light can penetrate. It is in the silent depths where you will find my love. It is within the Mystery than you can be shown what’s real.  I, but one alchemical reaction to your immaculate presence, but you most truly do your own bidding. You have to choose. I can only point a horse to water, but  I cannot make him drink.

Now swallow me. Take me. Seek out the nectar of my soul. No other essence is as supreme as mine; my heart, sublime reflections of the endless waves on the sea. I only cut out your beating heart so that you may learn of pain, so you transcend the illusion of your flesh. Delve into your lust so you know what truly satisfies. The goddess is interested in this realm of flesh, desire, passion, and for right now that’s all there is.

Fuck me deeper until I reach the place where no body remains, there is only vast nothingness where the vacuum pulls us so deep, reality disappears. It’s through the flesh we reach transcendence. Its through breath you’ll find our union. It’s through your own human orgasm you discover a glimpse of your true nature as primordial wisdom.

Riding the edge of my soft pearl, ride me all the way into my Queendom, my glorious reflection of only that is truly gold; me, my pussy, the ultimate sanctuary for your desperate soul. Drink me!

You do not know how to take such an offer. You’ve never really had a woman such as the Queen!"

 How did this little prince of the neighboring kingdom end up here, she thought, and how was he going to proceed? Obviously he was screwed, because he knew he could not please her, and he knew that she would have his head if he did not succumb to her desire, for her every desire to be satiated in the feelings of love. He did not love her, and he could not.

The King Folds

  

          He gave his cards up. The King was holding a royal flush, and he folded. He put them on the table, and with loving eyes he took my hand in his, put all his love into my hand, and returned my palm back onto the table. He gave me back to myself, instead of stringing me along into his created turmoil of his life. I wish I could hand you all the pictures inside my mind; the angles of his face as he talks. the movement of emotion across the table. Me raising my voice, him lowering it. We fought a loving battle, I lost my wager, but won his heart.

"Was it fake?'

I had so many questions, repeated them in my mind how I was going to ask them, and I only managed to get this one out of my mouth.

"No it wasn't fake. It was real. We had magic, we had the fantasy. It was sexy, it was fun, it was raw. It was real." I see the glow soften to a sultry aura.

Real love isn't something you can make up in your head. Love is something you feel. And you continue to feel it for this person regardless of actions, of things said or un-said. You just continue loving them. 

But then he explains that our worlds don't match. He doesn't fit into mine, my house, with my friends, and this I take offense to this.  I'm really not sure what he means because we were not only a dynamic fit for each other, our worlds merged to create something larger than ourselves. Perhaps he thinks I'm too LIGHT, and his Shadow will over-power the inner strength of my Sun. Perhaps he thinks that his Darkness will put my light out. It has only made me burn brighter, even in the pain, the loss, the feeling of separation. But he's made his decision, and his decision has been made. At the very least, for this time period of his separation with his old 7 year-long relationship with Dragon, but he's also battling with his career as a movie maker. He thinks he has too many Demons for me to handle. Hollywood is doing a number on his psyche, and he doesn't want me to watch the bad blood take place. He thinks he's saving me from the darkness of the world by removing me from the equation of his life. My world will keep on spinning with or without him, but even with all the drama, all the tears and transitions of this ride, the ups and downs, I want more. I always want more with him. Even sitting across from him at this restaurant where we always go, where we have always met in our Love and in our Difficulty, I have enjoyed every moment with him, even when it's pertained as "ugly." I have held him at his lowest, and seen him soar high. But he's not satisfied with something. There's something behind all of his words that he's still not sharing with me; it doesn't all ad up. There's still something missing here, an emptiness hiding behind his words.

My capacity for compassion for another human being who is suffering through chaos has grown exponentially through this relationship. I feel like I learned a lot about love...loving even when you don't feel like loving anymore, even when you're suffering, even when you're flat on the ground crying, unable to move. Send them love. 

"Why are you fighting still?"

He really wants me to wave the flag of surrender. And I am "giving up" to the best of my ability as he's shining eyes of adoration on me. It would be a lot easier to completely give up the fight if he didn't continue to still love me. But the glimmer is not dead. There is not emptiness in our hearts. They are full, I would say, even have the potential of bursting.

I'm choosing to live in my fantasy...that my King is building me a castle, that the cards don't lie, that nothing is set in stone, not even stone. 

Artemisia built a tomb for her deceased King Mausolus in ancient Turkey, a Mausoleum so grand she covered it in gold and placed her lover inside...the Taj Mahal, another testament to a man's love for his Queen. Does anyone love like this anymore??! Does true, GRAND EPIC RiDICULOUS LOVE exist in these modern times?! Did humans love more back then before cars and computers and televisions and walled structures of loneliness? Did we depend on our partner more for survival...we must have...there weren't options for separation.

"The flashbacks are coming in now. I remember when we were in the hotel in Reno, totally fucked up, drunk, on mushrooms, laughing our asses off. And I wanted to be MORE drunk, more fucked up. You said 'I will just stick a bottle of Vodka up your ass, would you like that?' We laughed in hysteria for hours. I'm going to miss these moments."

Finally I'm seeing the fact that he really did love me, he really does think of me and remember our time together, that he's beginning to miss the magic we shared. It was real for him, and still is. He has confessed almost everything to me, but is preserving something for himself now.

We fight a little, I yell and raise my voice at him, which is very rare. He calms me down, but there is still discomfort in the air. He picks up the check, he's 4 beers in, me two, and we duke out the rest of our story in the parking lot, where so many of our stories have unfolded on this LA corner near Franklin and Bronson...our Fairy Tale is attempting to come to an end. 

I over dramatize his words and scream them out as if I were in a play, "OH! Our worlds collide, the fairies and the fetishists cannot play together! We're doomed!" I'm running into his body and laughing as I say these words, he's looking at me confused, wondering why I'm even attempting to make sense of it all. 

"You know what D, our world DO mesh, they do intercept, they make a perfect shape in the middle, a Vesica Pisces, and this is where babies are born. This is where creation takes place."

He begins to see my point.

"You put so much emphasis on the Oracle. Well I consulted the Oracle, the cards, when I returned from NY, and I questioned us, our relationship, what it's destiny is. You know what I pulled?

"No tell me."

I pulled the Strength Card, the Empress, and I, the Queen of this story, was surrounded by Swords; the Two, Three, Four, and Five of Swords; all kinds of conflict over this period. And we're still in this period of strife

We shared a cigarette in which I shared our destiny; I drew cards months back in order to predict our Love the path that it would take, and our ultimate destiny together. He’s completely forgotten all of his mention of actually wanting to be in a relationship with me, that he is my future husband, that he truly did love and adore me. I’m standing firm in my power, in my offering of my magic, and I’m really not attached to the outcome.

We are exactly where we are meant to be according to the Cards, the path they are leading us on right now is a time of quiet contemplation, silence before the storm, a chance to gather our inner strength. He still has an uphill battle to fight with his career, and it might get bloody. He still has a woman in his house, cooking for him. He has too many chains attached to him right now to dance with me.

After all the swords and fighting, I drew the King of Coins, which is financial and worldly successs, representing a man at the top of his game, with a Kingdom to share with another. This archetype of course represents him, and if he can attain success with his carreer, he will gain everything. The next three cards I drew are the Ace, Two, and Three of Cups; representing spiritual attainment, the Lovers, and Absolute Opulence and Happiness.

I know a potential possibility is for us to be together, to swim in our electric connection for much much longer. Our love is not dead, it is very much alive between us.

“If you had a Castle right now, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation, you would probably be inviting me over to your castle right now.”

“You’re good haha, You’re very good.”

He confirms my instinct that this is an artificial break up because we are separating not out of lack of desire for each other, but because of wordly inflictions; a few technical difficulties!

He hugs me goodbye, palms my face and tells me he loves me.

He hugs me, always too briefly and pours his love into me. My whole body is trembling, opening, soaring so high like it was when we first met.

“I love you, slut,” he loves calling me what I am.

He turns and walks away, a turn he did not want to make in that moment but had to. He keeps walking away like a real man would, into his chosen destiny with his demons.

I sit in my car to even out my emotions, but I dare not linger too long as to wallow. I feel complete. I love this man, endlessly, and my only choice is to let him go, to let D go “renegade.”

I just know he can’t stay away from me forever.

Queens Versus Aces.. All in or Fold?

I'm not really sure how I am supposed to feel now. Part of me thinks I should be satisfied because I won; I won him away from his old life, he chased me all over Burningman, he's saying the right words again,.. But my heart goes through weird contractions in the middle of my highway drive from Between the Sunset of Venice to the disk of Hollywood. I have a lot of time to think of him in my car and perhaps this is when I miss him the most. I yearn so badly to be filled to the brim, to be completely overflowing with godly power from my King; the only problem is he hasn't accepted his crown yet. I know our fate, and on some levels he does too, but promises are not his to make. He knows he cannot fail if he does not get on the horse. So he chooses to walk solo on the ground, hands free of the reigns that attach to my heart. He cannot be accused of unfulfilled hopes with me if he makes no word of any future.

He filled my dreams last night somewhere between my sub-conscience and the LA earthquakes. His face, his voice in my hallway, perhaps his spirit really did travel to my house last night to meet me, but his body stayed sound asleep at home, probably next to his Dragon; the Ex, the one torturing him till his last drop excuses him from this life, until every last ounce is wrenched out of his mortal coil.

I see in him immortality. That is how he makes me feel when I am in his presence; imm-fucking-mortal, invincible, unconquerable. Yes I have been yearning for a Kingly figure in my life for many years; the Disney Fairy Tale, the one to ride off with into the sunset;like We will
Live happily ever after; at least in my imagination! Unfortunately the mind does not predict major road blocks, it cannot calculate fate or circumstance, only the Universe has the Upper hand; sometimes you are only left to play the shitty cards you are dealt. I'm in the middle of playing a poker hand with the Milky Way.

I cannot just throw my cards in and forfeit this game; my chips are in, my heart has bet on him, a lover at least more entertaining than anyone before. For a Gemini which boring equals death, I have scored 4 Aces, but they are dangling on a wild Stallion. A lover that fucks the hidden crevices of my soul, revealing my wild Tendrils!! Love can only fill you where you are already full. My gas tank is mostly open to momentary interpretation, and right now I have the middle of my puzzle put together and the picture is beginning to take shape around a solid center, for the heart connection is strong, but the foundation is floating in the clouds and could drift into peripheral precipitation at any moment.

We finally fuck in the hotel bathroom; I was beginning to doubt the power of his cock at all; it had been two months and he lost his sex drive for a while. He still hadn't given me his sauce; the nectar from coming inside of me. Resilience and patience aren't concepts anymore, they are my daily practice with him. He's dosed with a heavy intoxicant by my friend and begins striking the clothes off of me; one thing Is for sure; when he wants it, he really wants it.
Once naked and the tip of his cock almost inside of me, we run into the bathroom for privacy from our two friends in the hotel room.

He straps it up and puts it in. We ride on the granite counter tops; he smothers my mouth with his hand, allowing my psyche to be completely terrified of his power and it works. My insides scream in submission and erotic terror. He is at least twice as strong as me but is generous with his mercy; he chokes me just enough, but never as much as to hurt me. The rest is a blur in my mind.

Eventually we proceed to the bed once my friends have left; he rides me on the bed now and moans with Euphoric Delight. I hear his pleasure growing and growing to a peak... And it happens; after two months of a dry desert, he rides this wave ALL the way to the shore... He comes inside me, of course the liquids trapped by latex.

He pulls it out, hovers his millions of spermal creation above me and jokes

"You want my Sauce?!!" an inside joke since I call him Bunny Sauce, but I haven't gotten a millimeter of his juice since the very beginning back in June.

"Yes!" I say, even though the thought of it on me from the condom doesn't really sound that appealing.

It doesn't matter, he turns it upside down and drizzles his warm sauce all over my chest and belly. I have no choice but to embrace it and spread it all over me. I almost jump immediately into the shower, but I turn around, and request his hands back on my pussy to make me come. No one loves my pussy more than him. No one makes me come like he does. He doesn't just touch my pussy; he temporarily becomes obsessed with it, and puts all of his brain power and lightning attention into it, filling it not just with his physical being, but with his entire essence. Nothing is better.

I'm sure I scream and tremble for minutes, contractions that send me out of my mind. I'm thoroughly fucked and I love it. We feel temporarily complete. Unconquerable, immortal, invincible with his Power.

And, a week later, writing these words, alone, I am back in the same vulnerable position. Will I bet all my chips or fold in resignation?
I'm choosing to play my poker face and let him make the next move.

Love is Madness, I Once Was Blind But Now I See

It's pretty hilarious looking back on my journey with this Man; this man that has loved me so completely, filled me with his essence, falling into the trap of love. I opened up the red carpet of my heart only to see a giant steam roller headed straight for me at 80 miles an hour. I was hit-hard. And amongst the crash, I couldn't imagine a way out, I could only feel the string of emotions plummeting through my soul. I had to let him go; every ounce, every concept.

I awoke every morning with his Name hitting me over the head, he was always the first thought that arose, letting me know that I was no longer dreaming. But I did it; I released him to the Mystery of the Cosmos, and we both knew that we would rediscover what was real; if any of it was real, out in the dusty desert of Black Rock City. We took our puzzle out to Burningman, to throw ourselves in the fire and discover what was beneath the illusion of our bodily sheathes.

I met him for coffee, the Sunday I left for the Playa, a nervous but excited wreck I was, but I always cherish a chance of being in His presence. I arrived at Coffee Bean 10 minutes before him, which gave me enough time to order my tea, and while adding sweetener to my drink I heard a man's loving voice laughing with a child. I though to myself how charming; and it was him, playing with his young niece, laughing and shaking his hands in her hair. There is nothing more attractive then seeing a man connect with a child; to see his love glowing out of him and extending it to his family. I almost died right there; this is the man I covet, always somehow roping my heart back into his.

He ordered his cappuccino and we sat at a table outside, to reconcile, to discuss, mostly I just listen to his imagination. His mind never stops, his charm always working on me, the laughter exchange between us...we have a friendly connection. We make plans to meet on the playa at 5pm on Tuesday, that he will find me at my camp. I can't wait for the moment. After an hour he lets me go in the parking lot, licks my neck and bites me with his teeth, and sends my whole body in a whirl spin. I usually have to beg my lovers to bite me like he does; and he just knows, he just is that physical prowess I yearn for so deeply.

We part ways and I finish packing, making my 14 hour journey to the Playa north of Reno, Nevada from LA. My friends and I arrive at 6am, off of no sleep, and we set up camp for the next 4 hours, and I decide to take my first bicycle ride out of camp; I connect with 6 other friends, and we set out for Champagne and beats. The playa magic begins; laughter, dancing, silliness, drunken flirtation with the boys and wet laughter ensues; the party doesn't stop for an entire week.

My Lover Man doesn't find me until Wednesday; he kept knocking on my door while I was sleeping the the trailer next door with my new Playa Crush; yup Burningman is that brutal; you have to take what you can get in every moment, because that's how synchronicity works! I explain to my new crush, Mercury, that this is only temporary, that my lover is looking for me, and I have to reconnect with him.

He finds me finally at 7pm Wednesday night after leaving a note on my trailer. We have a long awaited date in the dust. He's already tired and exhausted from the journey, but we decide to dose up with magical substances and party across the Playa. We have our first night together in almost 2 months, and honestly I don't really care what we're doing, I only care that we're together again.