Yoni Puja, Channeling Karma Through the Body Vessel

Yoni Puja 11.27.11 4am

She waves the wand of her fingers over me, towards the opening of my vulva. They extend through the ground, spiraling into the belly of the mother so that I may rise up to the top of my crown. Om Amritananda Naidhiya Namaha.

The Mantra of the guru is pulsating throughout my body, a pulse that I cannot hold but captures me.  I don't ride the kundalini but she chose me as her Altar that night; worships me as the mother, the lover of live's expansions of expressing the universes' most sublime expression; that of sexual ecstasy.

As her fingers make contact with my clitoris, or Sahajroli, the contact makes my body writhe uncontrollably, an energy which completely encapsulates my being. I have no choice but to completely BE; I am nothing but a witness.

Tantric Initiations are secret, to be kept close by the initiates body; not to be shared or spread thin by words hopelessly trying to express a holy sacrament. A once vibrant hue of red becomes a faded pale pink in comparison to the experience of the ritual itself. But through these words may you come to know me, to feel ME, to dive into the imperfect crevasse of my soul; where the light and dark shines and the void spreads out beneath you in my empty rib cage. I breathe you (universe) completely 

OUT

Exhale-into the moment's death so that the next breath may become completely 

IN

Take me into the highest most light; the most high the most blessed, 

undressed, 

spralled on the floor my yoni in plain sight--before you

I become the imprint of all projections you've ever had about The Goddess; I am We Are Free. We are her

Your touch/power enters my quivering juicy yoni-you touch me, the sacrament as you chant, Invoking the Holy Shakti as my body becomes an instrument of the spanda, I shiver in the nakedness of my mind, all I can do is go up, flying higher and higher into the depths of the human experience.

Death looms over us like our life's greatest challenge, we can never prepare for the apocalypse, but we must for the day when ships can no longer sail, when the mamma's belly shakes, she quake of her mourning, a lesson to not fail.

All of my Karmas are pushed to my throat, transmute this grasping breath into one that is not pressured by life's demands; the demands of the government ready to kill for corruption, armed to the teeth because their cocks are not pleased. Ready to kill in the name of freedom, smeared blood on the hypocrite's heart. But they cannot control or enslave consciousness nor devotion of the heart, for it never dies. I am eternal vibration, expressing itself to you because I want to know myself.

The energy is too intense for me to carry, she pushes me into the arms of the Father I cascade down like a waterfall into the sea. He is at my back and the Mother cradling the front of my naked flesh; my heart finally releases because there's nothing left to hold, not even myself. Thought escapes time and there is only the heartbeat; the one eternal ceaseless sound drumming inside my soul, hAhA clearing karma through my yoni; she shakes into me, she I her, me, in this dance of infinity's death.

What if there was nothing. Would evil win? They think they can but that is a false victory for destruction is only transmutation.

You can never destroy what is true

Chew on this apple

Which never fall far from the Tree of Knowledge;  Drink from this sweet vine of truth, dear one, and remember life is supposed to be Euphoric but is distorted by fear, the fear that there is not enough, 

But in Reality there is nothing but Grace

A double edged sword of blissful burning

a cold cut into my heart, fierce opening of sinew and blood

Please do no deny my face any longer

Look at my Eyes 

Do you see God looking back at you

Bramashrivara, holding space for our Choices to become realized in Oneness or 

to Deny or Greatness. 

She's got nothing but _________________infinite space

But do You?

No. You have one last breathe, one last dance to complete this mission in a city where there is no center.

No unifying circle to draw but in  absolute divine faith may we know God in the Darkest of moments. May we hear God's  Helping Angels Sing to our hearts; a song calling us back home, a place where we started from but appears different after the hero's journey

Travel With me here 

Hold the Hand of the Mother Back to the OM

Tantric Celibacy; Riding the Razor's Edge of Temptation

Holding the edge of an orgasm for two weeks is like holding a sword to your enemies neck and not striking. The cut would be so satisfactory, the energy of the strike would push them through to the other side; but instead I just vibrate next to his body, pulsating on the edge of his sword and let him press his desire next to my cooling flesh. Dare I drink from his Oasis? Scenes of riding him flow through my mind; I want him to rip me open and burn an imprint of his steel into my tongue; the pleasure of tasting the droplets from the tip of his fountain would make me hum into a hummingbird's realm of ecstasy. Burn through me. Cut into my flesh so that I may know myself, I want to scream.

 My whole pelvis was tingling with his glow when I awoke. Eventually the build was too much for him; for he didn't take the vow of ritual celibacy. He's free to release the heat or orgasmic potential into a fountain of ambrosia; he strokes his weapon of pleasure with slow and firm strokes; not wanting to burst too soon. Just the feel of the tip of his wand feels like burning silk next to my leg, two sensitive tissues combined make an unbelievable rapture within my soul. But no satisfaction of the cut is coming for me this morning; quite the tantric dakini's challenge. Especially when rolling around in temptation for 8 hours. No but he, beckoned by the drum of his heart beat is going to see the sacred tremor until it's last vibratory out pouring; he squeezes it out with slow control, driving my spine into uncontrollable kriyas, or spontaneous movements of shakti, mimicking his orgasmic release. He's relieved, for now. He can move freely throughout his day without the throbbing passion steering the boat. I on the other hand am charged for ritual tonight; we will sit, pray, dance, and invoke the goddess within our bodies; I will offer mine in surrendered grace in a way that She wishes to use it. Maybe She will be soft on me, and whisper sweet cooling mantras. Or maybe I will burn in the fire, along with all of the collective karmas we no longer need. Oh Mata, Oh Kali, carry me sweetly into the bosom of your love.

BREAKING FREE!!!

Bust through the Matrix baby. In Hindu philosophy, this is called Maya, or the illusion that we are limited separate beings. Maya serves a purpose; without it there would be no possibility of creation. But when you wake up within in it and truly live, THAT's where the bliss is baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj6PuKjVbCs

Siva, Lord of Ambrosial Nectar

Breathe deeper into me, go into that unbounded expanse inside your heart, where space travels through timelessness, where silence is heard so profoundly that all thoughts ceaselessly surrender into the divine rhythm. Sink into the black void, and listen to me here. When you touch nothing, you touch everything. Will your ego disappear when you touch the infinite? Can you, as a body withstand the power of a black hole? Can you feel my sacred tremor? Listen deeper, to the endless sound inside your heart? This resonating chord is you; you are the splendor of infinite vibration, always dancing, always moving within infinite creative expanse, with power and grace. Most live a thousand lives and never get to listen to the vibrating silence. 

 Trace that chord back into the mind, into the ego, into your brain. The dancing sound now becomes a unique signature to you; you were once the ocean and now a singular wave that was born and will die. But remember dear one, remember Siva's abode of the  incandescent light of consciousness. Remember the dynamic splendor of the dance, always moving towards expansion; the dawn of our greatest dreams are carried 100.000 miles a second, to deliver to you the leading edge of pulsating nectar; oh and Siva's nectar! Unexplainable ambrosia of the Gods; drink this soma into the mind, and you will be set free from the delusion of the body. It heals all pain, repairs all cuts, animates your thoughts; Soma, the divine intelligence of the MahaShakti; enter through this black space inside my heart. Feed me the blue light of truth, clarifying untruths, purifying negative thoughts, piercing through delusion.  May I find this valve of consciousness, and allow the flood gates of your love into my inner Shaktiverse. My vision, once fogged, becomes clear in Your light. My heart, once heavy and weighted by irritation and resentment, is now uplifted by your buoyant purity. Lord Siva, I bow to thee, my heart once full of ignorance, is now filled with your bliss!

You are, my dear reader, a reflection of Lord Siva; unbounded, infinitely intelligent vibrating bliss. So what is the separation, the grand illusion in which Siva conceals himself? Why do we have to hide beneath the shroud of limited knowledge, power, of type letters, and bodies? Siva constructed a divine shroud of dancing particles so that he could see himself, so the that existence as we know it could be born. We are seemingly held back by jñānam bandhah, or the bondage of limited knowledge. Because our mind constructs have implicit limitation, we have forgotten  how to access our unlimited potential and consciousness. Also called yoni-varga, or the Grand Maya of separation. Because of this grand delusion of forgetfulness, we have as a human race experienced much ignorance and suffering, and worship false idols of material possessions in hopes that our temporary happiness will unite us once again with our unlimited potential. I see countless people worshipping a cigarette and a coffee cup, looking for salvation through a substance that has no power compared to Truth.

Seeking Unity back into Siva's abode is not a half-hazard path; it is precise, methodical, eloquent and sweet. Our souls signed the endless contract of bondage and forgetfulness in order to incarnate into the world. The contract stated that we agree to have limited knowledge, limited power, and that duality, or illusion of separation must be created in order to experience what we call life. But nothing in the universe is void of Siva's intelligence benevolence or love. Everything within the written universe contains the qualities of his grace and love; it is the shroud or veil that we must slowly peel back and see greater and greater bands of light. We will traverse the rainbow of consciousness, experiencing differing vibratory levels until we reach the most supreme, the most subtle band of light; our Oneness. here we will rest once again until a soul wishes to be born out of the primordial ooze, entering into the Ganges, and dancing in the realm of samsara. Enter into Bhairava's burning fires and purify our mind constructs and only that which is true will remain; the light of Truth, the depths of the Universal void.

His blue eyes pierce my heart, flashing the brilliance of truth; I am swirling incandescent light. I am in this world, but not of it. His warm body, full of indescribable man-heat presses up to mine. We are exploring each other's energy, not moving too fast into the slipperiness of sexuality. He rocks me, holds me gently and bites into my neck. He quickly vanishes, and then the door clicks, as he rushes out to get food for the morning.  All I can feel is the space in which he once was. Where there once was heat, is now empty cold space, but to the contrary, the heat starts to build up more and more in my groins. Percolating desire builds from the assumed pressure on my G-spot; it's as if I have a girl hard-on. I just sit with this deep urge to have his heated rod pressing up against my vulva, which I'm sure would create a show of light and sexual splendor. My fantasy remains unfulfilled.

He returns with bread and eggs, makes a sandwich with avocado and peppers in his art studio kitchen which has one burner that plugs into the wall. He delivers the tea and egg sandwich, I bite into the simple morsel, yet the desire to be ravished rules my thoughts. But my heart is satisfied with the simple admiration in his eyes, the depth of his strong hands on my body. My mind drifts to the night before, when we first had contact with each other's bodies; my cooling grace pressing up against the fire in his belly. With each out-breath, his Vajra light would press down, deep into my pelvic floor, and circle back into me like a bolt of lightning. As we inhaled, it would move up our spines, and rest in the crown of our heads. We played and danced with the Shakti, or sexual life force, which felt like it was filling every cell and crevice of my body and soul with replenishing light; like the Soma quality of Siva, the vibration of his body next to mine restored me into wholeness. The yang to my yin, the output to my input, I the bowl, him the soup. There is a nature of reality that plays on duality in order to seduce us into the bliss of oneness again. 

His essence, one of indescribable light and incandescent purity, surrounds my body like in a blue orb. My whole body is uplifted by just a kiss by his soft lips. There is a vibratory quality to his being that I am failing to describe; his blueish teal eyes are clearer than the clearest skies, and deeper than the pacific. We gaze into each other, catching a still moment in time, and I realize I can see all of him; "I feel as if I am looking into the past and the future at the same time."

"You are" he state matter of faculty, as if time bending is a common practice from Swedish men born in the eighties. 

"How can that be?"

"All that I have ever experienced, all that I am and ever will be is showing through the Iris of my eye. This is the portal point where you can actually see INTO my body, and the eyes via the brain are connected to my neurology, my life experiences, and how I've integrated them into my being. Likewise, I am witnessing your past, and your interpretation of what the future may hold. I can see your fears and projections, your hopes and dreams. I can see what you aspire too, as well as what you wish to keep hidden. Who do you wish to be in this moment is the question."

I giggle, and stuff my head under his armpit in coy shyness, finding solace in the darkness of my own mind. I have never seen such a clear reflection of a soul identity. Ever. He was telling me stories of thousands of lifetimes in one soft glance of the eyeball.  I felt like when I was looking into Aere's eyes, I could see distant Pleidian realms, where beings utilized light to manifest things into being, a place of infinite strength, power and health. He looks at me with absolute confidence that we too, can utilize infinite energy on earth as well; that we can beam intention out of our minds and actualize material matter before our very eyes. Right in this moment, he reminds me that we are activated beings plunging deep into the nature of reality, exploring consciousness between two bodies. 

"What kind of cat would you be if you were a cat?" my childlike curiosity asks.

"A black panther!" he yells as he lunges at me, tackling me in a frenzy of masculine strength and prowl. He paws at my face, jokingly playing with his prey. 

"No, you're not a panther, you're a white lion!" He changes his stature into that of a regal lion, now pressing his hands as if he were a cat walking on my body. He convincingly changes his eyes as if he were hunting. 

"What kind of cat would you be, Lauviah?" Hmmmm…I ponder, then I say as I pounce on him, "A roaring Cheetah that goes for the heart first, and reaches in with my claws and eats the beating flesh!" as I teeth my way into his chest. Seductively I move my body softly around his, "or I would be a Parisian Persian Princess house cat that only wants to be fed organic milk!" I think he likes this as he softens his body to the contours of my round feminine curves. He's enjoying my body just as much as I'm enjoying the muscles in his arms and chest. I tell him he is of a different breed, a breed above the rest. 

Aere, a man of short stature, and strong build, a smell so delectable, an enthusiasm, contagious, and an undeniable hope in his eyes, portraying and unfailing Yes to every purposed equation of impossibility. When there is a Will, there is a Way. He, a true magician, combines his intention with the universe in order to manifest greatness in the world. I admire an adore. I surrender, my heart sings. 

We part ways a few hours later, I leave the art studio to vibrating bass, as he prepares for a festival in the desert, and I, a two week trip to Costa Rica. 

Lauviah, an angel, a devil, a goddess that is one letter off from Devil. She's on a mission to wake the world up with inherent bliss, with primordial vibratory sound, with Shakti, a moving imprint of Siva's unbounded grace. Everything is in everything. The potential for the greatest light, energy, and information is available. 

We just have to tap it.

What I learned last night

Curiosity, if it doesn't kill the cat, reveals why curiosity must be fulfilled, and why, sometimes curiosity doesn't need to be fulfilled.

Looks can be deceiving.

The surface is not as juicy as the filling.

A beautiful body doesn't supplement a beautiful mind.

I can squirt. Yup, juices can run out of my yoni.

More expansion, more bliss, more connection is always possible.

Meet in the heart first, and the physical connection will follow the heart.

My body wishes to be held. Really. Hold me.

Listen to your heart. Can our two heartbeats become one?

I wish, yearn, pray for a greater yoking.

Pull me out of my shell

breathe me in

and

someday

we will

take

our last exhale

and die

but death

is not the end;

it is but a giant fountain

to wash your soul clean

bathe with me in the light

let's cleanse in god's grace

delight in the transformation of matter to spirit

give our beating hearts back to the earth.

and listen here.

surrender.

let me go

we are all naked

in the eyes of the mother

can you see me?

feel me? taste the invisible?

to god.

Drink from my Chalice, Find eternity

August 30th 2011

Yesterday morning began as usual with tea and breakfast served with utmost attention to detail; he arranged the fruit with beauty and care, in the shape of a mandala, drizzled in honey and covered in coconut flakes. We ate in silence, and I could tell something was weighing on his heart. We were happy, but there was and audible block between us. I could´t allow the day to continue with this feeling of only having half access to his heart.

¨Como esta too´ corazón?¨I inquired while laying atop his firm body of muscle and bones. He gazed away, not wanting to confront this feeling in his heart, of loving a woman, only to see her go.

¨It´s hard to explain…¨ his consciousness drifted off to distant memories of lovers gained and lost by distance and time. But here I was, his current lover, wanting his undying affection, even if it meant separation in a week when I board my plane and fly back home to the States.

¨It´s for self defense,¨ he explained more, ¨I love so much, only to see you go. So it´s easier not to feel the love I have for you, to protect my heart.¨  I didn´t want to hear these words. I didn´t want to think about leaving my lover, and this simple life with him, alight temporary. All I want is his undying devotion to me, to us, to our love right now. I can deal with the pain of separation later. But perhaps he was right for he loves so profoundly and can no longer take the breaking of the pieces of his passion to flee into the world of babylon. 

I held him there, stroking his face, telling him that I cared for him, and that for at least these moments, my request is that of presence with each other. He arose quickly, ¨Vamos a la playa!¨ I wasn´t having it. My womb deep inside yearned for the pressure of his exquisite and firm serpent inside of me. I would not let him pass until he surrendered to pleasure. I peeled off my clothes, kissing his skin gently so I could feel the electricity building. Pinning him down with my knees, I rocked gently and slowly on top of him, he didn´t object, and pleasure began to show on his face, like a child tasting his favorite ice cream. I wouldn´t quite let him inside me, just brushing the tip of his cock on the precipice of my crevice, he was only aloud to feel my opening. The giving and revoking pleasure, was a game I could play for quite some time. 

I wouldn´t let him all the way in, and ran into the shower so he would chase me and take me standing up, which was my favorite position with him. The water rushed down our bodies, as if taking part in our pleasure game. He lifted my leg up and tilted his pelvis under mine, driving his thick large cock further into me than was seemingly possible. He drove me against the wall, my body collapsed onto his, completely helpless to his passion, I became like a jelly mold of myself. I cannot hold onto anything, him holding so tightly onto me, the imprint of his hand left on my thigh. His solid and firm frame held me up with ease, gravity would not prevent him from vibrating pleasure through the walls of this shower. I turned around and bent over so he could dance his rod into my 

G-spot even more. It was a demanding stance, yet he galloped like a Stallion Horse,  which commanded juice to overflow from every pore. Every sheath of my body was shaking in delight by him, all the way up to my brain. This still wasn´t enough for the wild stallion, and he lifted me up higher, like a forward piggyback, so no part of me was touching the ground. My bouncing body moved synchronistically with my throbbing lips, up and down his monument. He rode past the sunset of my pussy, showering his male blessing upon my young skin, pulsating there with me for a few tender minutes. Until there was nothing left but love.

Somehow, my pussy did not get enough. The pain of pleasure pushing up against me was like a hot knife, cutting through my psyche, and could only be relieved by orgasm. I pulled him back into bed with me, and sweetly coaxed his fingers to penetrate my screaming tissues, completely overtaken by desire.  I, working my clit, meditated on my pleasure by allowing his love to travel into the more subtle parts of my body. In yoga, there are coverings of our essential self, called Koshas, or sheaths, and at the moment of orgasm, I was sure that he punctured all five, going straight to ananda-maya-kosha, or Supreme Consciousness as Bliss. I gazed into his eyes, now childlike and wide, he gazed into me with a new found purity. I though I had never seen such beauty than his spirit reflected through the devotional gaze of the brown universes of his iris. I´m not sure what love is, or where it comes from, or why it feels so good. My only explanation is that it links us to the truth of who we are, as eternal bliss beings, and even sexual love is a portal through which we get to travel and open to dimensions of vibrating ecstasy inside the body. 

The musky smell of his skin is like mud mixed with blood, semen, and maple sap from the largest tree in the forest. 

Our veins, intertwined like the spirals of the bark of fallen branch.

A heart beat so large, I follow the rhythm to the outer stretches of the universe. 

Everything is contained in everything. 

The entirety of the universe could possibly exist between the firing synapses and neurons in my brain. The possibilities are as endless as the entire cosmos!

 The total Sum of God´s love could be found in this one human heart, a sacred doorway to the One.

Open to me like this, dear lover. Treat me as your God, as this Amrit that you stir with your Vajra sword. Stir the ambrosia of my white sparkling lustrous liquid and drink the elixir of the gods, find the fountain of youth, reach the crown of Enlightenment

Your awakening, found between two opposing poles, is found inside of me.

This is your truth, why are we always limiting ourselves of this love through the conceived distance of earthly miles? 

Love is supreme, travels all distances, and never leaves, for it always was and always will be. 

Your pulse, the unstuck sound linked beyond space-time´s vortices, continues beyond the last earthly breath that you will take, 

and is what will carry you beyond the greatest humanly suffering. 

Nothing is more valued than love, the love you gave and shared, the love expressed from the grace of your fingertips, the love you fed to the mouth of your Beloved.

 Nothing is more precious than this Holy exchange in the Temple of the Body.

 Regret will only fill you if you had not loved, a denial of experiences lost to the delusion that we were once separate. 

 But rejoice in these moments when two hearts beat as one, where two rivers of blood join into a more beautiful color of red.

Oh Beloved! Nothing is more sacred than the moments you share with the Goddess she,

 a rare Oasis for your thirst. 

Celebrate the vibrating chalice that is the resting place for your hidden secrets, for the stories you will never speak.

Drink from the fountain of my soft trickle and I will feed the inner asking of your desire and tell you legends between my soft and womanly legs.

 Every man needs a woman I say, yet not every man deserves or appreciates her subtle Grace. 

A sweet honey comb home to lick when the world is much too sour. She, A sacred cave, taste this when your heart is filled with bitterness. 

She is the reminder that life is a tranquil purity.

Take Solace in the Damp Retreat, always awaiting your return, a place for your rest and worship, of nourishment.  Sow your seeds of life here, in this valley of grace, for She will always forgive you. Kali Ma! The Great Dark Mother, the Cosmic Womb in which we are born and will return again when we die. Allow my pussy to remind you of this, my darkness sucking you into deeper and deeper into your simple consciousness, the I am, We Are, You, I, Am Forever.

Om Tara! Never-ending compassion and forgiveness beckons you near. Face her with eyes of truth and you will be granted her Love. For she Sees that the Shadow is where the Greatest Light is Born. Sleep here, child, in the bosom of her love, and all will be repaired. Her great Soma of Wholeness will not deny any part of you, she pierces your suffering and mends it. Pray at her feet and your crown will be blessed with life.  A light so supreme radiates from her Eyes, all Untruths erased in Beauty, all Darkness cleansed in the Truth of Love. So much lost in the realm of Samsara, but in the arms of the mother, we realize there is nothing to be gained but the humility of surrender.

 I write these words Beloved, to You, so that you may meet me here, in the land of the All-Pervading Bliss of Our Pure Essence. I lay still here, no Kriyas of action, for no action will produce the fruits that silence will bear.  Listen with me here, put your ear to my luminous Tomb, where Death is the Road to Awe, where we once again Return to Her. Great Mother, carry me home, to the waters of the Infinite. Fill me with your oceanic depths of truth, touch my scared body, that only tells of my pain, and release me from the bondage of suffering. This journey is great, and I travel only with a sips of your nectar-filled grace. Fill my cup, o Great Supreme, soften my edges, i wish to reunite with you, to no longer look in places of limited desire, but to seek the Supreme Truth of Your One-ness, oh Holy Majesty, I bow to thee. I am yours. Set me free. 

Kali Ravishing the Dragon; Riding Time's Eternal Wave

 Kali Ravishing the Dragon;

Riding Time's Eternal Wave

The Goddess is the Bliss of being, and we can never be content unless we realize this joy within our own hearts.   -Dr. David Frawley  

Submerged in deep waters, I float between the cracks of my subconscious and a dream. Appearing out of the green and black mystery the dragon flashes his bold orange scales, crazy claws and luminous torso. Dauntless and on the prowl, he moves with speed and grace. He's glorious and strong with his eye on the kill.  Fresh meat is his only thought, and I see he's ferociously chasing a beautiful water sprite, mermaid-like. She's desperately trying to escape him. With all his might he extends his claws in a desperate grasp for her tail. She dodges him, narrowly escaping her fate as she slips in between two rocks of mercy. She avoids death for now. The dragon shocked by her swift moves is filled with rage as his boiling desire for flesh and bone has not been satiated. She's breathless, yet enlivened by this close call. What did this creature ultimately want with the soft and supple mermaid? Was it her beauty and grace? Pleasure? Control? 

I wake up in a fluffy bed with a warm sweaty body lying next to mine. He rolls over and puts his hands on me; long nails scrape my skin. His stomach pulsates next to mine. Something starts to bubble up. At first it's a small ripple, but soon it’s a raging force of nature. I have a feeling that I shouldn't be here, and I shouldn't be doing this. Shakti, the sexual life force whispers into our hearts,  "Listen to the subtle sounds within, for you are not the cause of movement," she says "but are being danced by me." I try to deny that there's a small fire burning inside me, a fire that’s hard to put out.

I'm still clothed. How can I get away from the wrathful fire of desire? “Just keep your clothes on," I think.  He continues to grasp at me, yearning for pleasure. We continue this gyrating dance of seduction and pain, control and submission.  I rip off my shirt, roll on top of his belly, ass in the air and he slips his hands into a secret place below the depths of my being. I'm trapped; there's no getting away now. His grip is too strong. I surrender in pleasure; I have no place to go. My inner muscles get tighter and tighter, and it feels as though he is reaching up inside of me, clamping down like a vice around the part of my brain that inhibits movement. I moan and sweat; he’s drenched in the heat of the summer morning. Waves crash. I come.

I continue the day as though in a dream state. We roll out of the house with a glimmer in our eyes and please our bellies with food and coffee. We find a soft spot on the sand, and offer our bodies to the sun. Devotionally, I allow the light of this hot July day to radiate its heat upon me. When we can't take the intense radiation any more we jump into the cooling waters of the ocean, a shocking reminder of how quickly heat can dissolve into cold. I delight in the contrast of the two. Eventually we part ways, honoring the energy and intensity we shared.

My dream state becomes shockingly real once I return to the cityscape of a bustling downtown area. Was I really in a bubble of paradise just this morning, luxuriating by the seaside?  I can't help but think how delicate life is; how beauty is so transitory, and that eventually everything dies. We have this small window of existence called life. What is this dance?

Unconsciously, we experience life and death within the measurement of one full breath. We inhale life force, experience its fullness, then exhale to its death and surrender it back to emptiness. The space between here and there is a speck, a blink of Kali's eye as she waves her wand of blood and compassion. She loves us and shows us mercy, but not without pain. Crazily we agreed to incarnation's law of separation.  We enter the world through our mother's womb through a series of contractions, which brings us to a dual state of consciousness. After our last breath we expand through The Father's crown, returning to the blissfulness of Oneness.  So what to make of flesh and bone, blood, sweat and sex? Why does life seem so fragile? Why is this moment, right here, right now so important to wake up to? Is this all we have? 

I'm loosing more and more blood with every passing menstrual cycle, which is forcing me to sleep more, lay close to the earth and contemplate life, death, and energy.  My body has been forcing me to move slowly, allowing me time to think, be, and feel in the present moment. The great dark mother Kali, which breathes life into us, can, and will, take it away. Kali means "to count, to measure, or to set in motion," hence time. The measurement between my birth and death is slowing down for me so I can truly appreciate the rising and falling of awareness. We never know when the clock will strike midnight, and Kali's hand will come down to slay our necks and the illusion of time will once again appear endless. I will have only but one choice; to surrender; to let go of this mortal coil and be set free into the boundless sky. 

Despite my burning desire for food, sex, pleasure and beauty I know these things will never fulfill my deepest yearning. My spirit longs to be united with the Mother. Why, then, were we even given a body?  Why the split between consciousness and form? Maya; our gift of creation, our fall from grace. We dance in duality, so that we may sit more deeply with the discomfort of pain. We hopelessly seek fulfillment in distraction, yet we must be courageous and feel our way through life, and go towards freedom. The key is surrendering to what is; not projecting, not judging oneself, just relaxing into the moment, which mean sometimes sitting with discomfort.  

Is beauty worth all the pain? Is awakening so powerful that it pierces through the veils of death, suffering, disease and war?

We all have had moments of darkness and suffering; had our hearts broken or even witnessed a family member pass in an untimely manner. The clock that Kali holds never stops, not even at death. She holds everything in her womb of wisdom; the profane and sacred, sharks and bunnies, love and war.  She welcomes all of it, showing us that our pain is the pathway to our greatest learning. She sees the divine orchestration in all things and has unwavering faith amidst our screams to creation of, "WHY ME? WHY THIS NOW, WHY THIS WAY?" These are moments when she asks us to pull strength from our own well-spring of source. She will answer our soul's yearning. All-knowing, she carries the mystery, with unwavering love for her children. We surrender to the mother, the breather of life into the cosmos, the ultimate manifestation of beauty into form. 

For now, our feet are what we have to walk with, our voices to talk with, our body to express with and our brain to learn with. Utilize this ground you're walking on. Sustenance is merely just a tool for higher awakening. We cannot "get out" until we wake up in our bodies. By recognizing the sacredness in simple pleasures, we begin to have love for all of creation.  By observing the recurring patterns of the universe, such as the Fibonacci sequence, one finds unity within the All. Just like Kali adding numbers to create our living matrix, these numbers formulate the spiral of creation. We are but drops in this infinite ocean of primordial spinning vibration, serving each other on this endless dance floor of remembering what we once forgot. 

As a spiritual warrior, why is awakening to sublime states of consciousness so absolutely stunning? Why do we continually fall in love, even though we know our hearts will break when that love is taken from us? Why do we continuously grasp happiness outside ourselves, when the only answer is within our hearts? We are the most compacted lock, yet the seat of our consciousness is the key to all doors. In other words, why do I keep trying to find fulfillment in ice cream, coffee, in human relationships and in sex? 

Could it be that behind the seriousness of seeking Truth, there is merely the pleasure and enjoyment of the Goddess?  Let’s take each other off the spiritual hook for a moment, and stop "trying to get there.” Perhaps spiritual attainment is in the ice cream.  As I sit in the neighborhood gelato shop, it sure seems to be a place worthy of worship. Families line up in droves to enjoy flavors such as root beer float, strawberry custard and madagascar vanilla. A white father covered in tattoos holds his black daughter.  His 11-year old daughter is standing next to him.  She is a slender blond dressed in fishnets, cowgirl boots, a sparkling tutu and an orange farmer's hat.  It's clear to me that she doesn't give a shit about sex, consciousness or arising Shakti in the body. All she can do right now is revel in the joyous texture and flavor of the ice cream. Her dad calls out her name, Amrita (which means nectar of the Gods). By enjoying her ice cream in this moment, Amrita is enjoying the ambrosia, the divine sweetness of the ice cream. She is a spiritual warrior, transported by her ice cream experience; the trick is to not get attached to this experience; lick, enjoy, and let go. Not all beings know they are on a spiritual quest to expand their consciousness beyond space and time, so enjoyment becomes a worthy means of worship.

Think of the sheer scope and grandeur of time.  Because Kali is infinite, it gives Amrita permission to do as she pleases in this moment. She’ll follow her every desire until she chooses to mature, and find happiness in her inner home. Yet once she has arrived "home" in the abode of shiva's third eye, where will she choose to go? 

The tantric view I wish to convey is a FUCK YES to existence.  Existence in this body means inhabiting the splendid desire to taste life, and yoking every last drop. I want to dance, skip, and make love to life. I want to experience the myriad of creation because it's fun. Yup. The only way "out" is straight on through. The divine orchestrator conjured up the perfect formula for life so that we could enjoy it. Kali's perfect Opus is awaiting our admiration.

After tasting every taste, seeing every beautiful sight, falling in love countless times, we realize that there is an everlasting happiness available to us.  After we’ve experienced and lost happiness, we search for lasting contentment inside of our quiet minds. In that infinite expanse we find Kali's abode, dancing on Shiva's corpse. When the outside no longer please the inner, our hearts cry out to Kali to bring us back into her womb where there is no clock keeping time, there is no rent to pay and there is not a hungry belly to be fed.  There is only an oozing of her primordial soma. We all wish to return to her womb, where we can be in her embrace, be fed by her nectar and be held in her love. Life can be  so hard. Chopping wood and carrying water get tiresome. Eventually our hearts will cry out to our creator and ask to be fed by spiritual love.

Spiritual love is higher than Everest, deeper than the Pacific and more powerful than a black hole. It is Lord Shiva's eye, peering out of Kali's body, so piercing and pure that we have no choice but to surrender to His light. This earth is just a manifestation of his splendid inner knowing; a dance of ultimate consciousness. Shiva is the designer, Kali the design. They dance together, holding hands in eternity.

What is the Mother, dear Kali, asking us to do? She wishes for us to ride the sword’s edge between birth and death, of pleasure and pain, of the inhalation and exhalation, and appreciate the gift of the body. Is our life's experience alone not worthy of worship?

Being present to Her creation is the gateway to our secret beauty. The moment we recognize this we become Her, and She, Us.  It's easy to rush through the game, run away from ourselves   and get lost in the rat race of doing.  By rushing, we miss the synchronicity of the conductor; something is played out of tune.  It takes a warrior of love to fully embrace reality with courage. By facing our fears and looking at the dragon head on, we begin to open to grace. Peer into his eyes, no matter how uncomfortable, for this is just purification. "Just be with it,” she whispers.

By opening the vessel of my body to the wisdom of the kundalini serpent, I start to receive energy from both ends. The dragon invokes my secret river to run, and my juice pours out of my yoni; first like squirting throbs of desire then like tears falling from the bodhisattva's cheeks. I cry in my pleasure, for the sheer power of Shakti's dance inside my heart makes me surrender into the depths of another's soul. Through this sexual dance, the cracks of heaven open the gates of truth. Experience Kali's love in this breath, in this gyrating dance between yin and yang, until the Jade sword cuts through space, creating the bindhu of creation inside the yoni's blissful expanse. The pleasure is so intense that breath is no longer possible to take in. After convulsing at the very peak of arousal, peacefulness emerges from the void. Through this silence, we can hear Her opus of life. The ego bows to her sword so that we may hear infinite beauty ringing through unfathomable space. Kali takes many forms; fierce mother, lover, giver and taker of life. Kali is the beauty behind the rose. Like a flower, when she withers and dies, Kali's divine matrix lives on forever. When our lives wither, and we slowly begin to digress, Kali welcomes us back into her bosom, with an open heart.

In the dream, I swim back under the water, flipping my mermaid tail. Refreshed, I push towards the light, and peak my little eyes above the surface of the water. I take a breath of air; rejoicing in this simple act of life. I delight in my fast mermaid body, and hurl myself as fast as I can into the depths of the oceanic gates of time; and I see him, the dragon. He smiles at me. His belly is full. It looks like I'm spared another day, and can swim without threat. I peer closer into his gentle yet striking eyes. It's as if he could turn on me at any moment. He doesn't. The dragon invites me to take hold of his shimmering scales. I ride. 

The Courage to Love is The Courage in Which We Face Death

I see men in my life, experience their words, their eye contact, and their unspoken desires to love fully and be loved fully in return. But what holds us back from that full commitment to love is the same fear that we have for death. What would happen if we completely let go of preconceived notions, of judgements of ourselves, of others, and allowed ourselves to fully love one another. With no fear. With no abandon. With every cell of our body loved them.

I have just returned from a trip to Costa Rica which was slightly dissatisfying. Because I was there to love, completely, to give love my all, and He, my Costa Rican lover, was distant. He was protecting his heart because he knew I would be leaving in  2 weeks. But love was the only reason I was there, the only reason I'm on earth, and I wish to love fully, even if that means I get my heart broken and feel the depths of despair. I miss him now, his smell, his body heat in the bed, his kisses in the morning, his undying compassionate presence. But most of all I miss his authentic self, which at his core, I know he is a Selfless, fearless lover.

I love the concept of being able to face love the same way you face death; they both have the power to transform us, to burn away at us our shadow, and to teach us the Ultimate Teaching. Eventually, we are burned by love, but this fire is purifying, distilling us down to our very core essence, that of God. If we are not willing to love, we are missing our chance to be realized beings.

"Death is the Road to Awe" Is one of my favorite quotes from the movie, "The Fountain," in which the antagonist is searching for eternal life through a scientific breakthrough in medicine as his wife is dying of cancer. She has surrendered to the fact that she's dying, and confesses that she's no longer scared, that she's at peace with her passing. It's her husband that is frantically running around denying reality, unable to witness and love her fully in the moment because he is afraid of death. He names it a disease. But the only disease that humans have is the inability to exist in the moment. We resist so much; so much of reality. What if we sat with love. What if we held hands with death? What if we kissed the night sky as it swallowed us up, traveling through the voids of space-time?

I used to deny love; to push it away, to disvalue it, I even tried to fight it. I never won. Surrender is the only thing that wins that fight. Now I have a partner that allows me to feel this old pattern in my that would shove love to the side, but the pattern is no longer there. I try to resist, I try to pout and scream and shove at love, and it no longer budges. Then I laugh at the absurdity of it all, and embrace love as I burst into laughter, curled up in a ball on the floor with my beloved.

 If my man hurts, I softly put my hand on his heart and ask him, "How's your heart, lover?" and gently wait for the answer of his longing, of his longing to be with one woman, to have a house and kids, to make his home and place in life. This is his soul's yearning, and even though I, his lover, is present, he knows it's not for keeps. He wants to play for keeps, and his heart burns in the face of that desire.  He told me stories of almost dying, of almost getting consumed by giant waves in the ocean, or held at gun point, and he just relaxed into the possibility of death. He survived by being ready to die at any moment. But will love be the thing that kills him? Will the yearning be so deep, that it is never quite reached? He is the best man I have ever met in my life; always considerate, always working, cleaning, cooking, finding ways to show his endless devotion. Alway surrendering his ego. I'm astounded by his ability to stay calm in the face of adversity or conflict or inner turmoil. But at some point don't we have to scream out to the beloved, to pry our hearts open and say,

"Just Fucking Love Me
That's All I ask.
Love me like You'll die tomorrow,
and I'll love you back."

What is Tantra?

We all have desire, but do we give ourselves permission to explore and express these desires? Do we know how deep our yearning is to connect with the Divine source of love? At the root of all life, we are here to remember union, to remember what it feels like to be loved so deeply that we have no choice to see the beloved in the eyes of another.

Tantra is a non-dual experiential system that embraces the body's sexual power and desire as a worthy path to enlightenment or awakening. "Tantra" means to expand in order to liberate, or the Great Weaving. It uses the pathway of breath, meditation, yoga, and well-kept sexual secrets to heighten our sensitivities to the outside world bringing a sense of oneness, bliss, pleasure, satisfaction and wholeness. Over time, when we build our yogic practice, we begin to awaken to the invisible force of Shakti Kundalini, and aim for the marriage of Shiva and Shakti in the bridal chambers of our being; the crown of the head.

A non-dual spiritual doctrine means that it embraces everything as a worthy part of the divine tapestry of reality, not excluding any thing or experience as illusory. A tantric simply aims to be present to the immediate world around him/her, without labeling experience as wrong or right. Some Buddhist and Yogic paths demise this earthly realm as an illusion, and state that we are only dreaming. Christianity sets up doctrine of Heaven and Hell, wrong and right, of saints and sinners. Heaven is in the sky, and not in the body. Tantra embraces that Heaven is Here and Now, that the natural innate wisdom of everything is divine. This path acknowledges negativity as real, just as night is real, but doesn't put such a strong emphasis on "wrong" vs. "right." It is not seeking practices to exit the body, or deny the body of it's desires. Tantric philosophy and practices aim to give us a more holistic, meaningful, and intimate experience in this life.

Have you heard of the phrase "As above, so below"? This is a statement that we have heard many times, across many cultures, pointing to the fact that anything that is out there in the universe is right here on earth. "We are all made of stars" is a common thought. It could also be taken as I, the Universe, am. You can Journey to the far reaches of the cosmos, or the inner workings of a cell; Tantrik philosophy recognizes that the basic inner workings that rule the inner, rule the outer. This could also be a statement of ultimate unity; since there is nothing in the universe that's not inside of you, you are innately One with All That Is.

So non-dual could also be called all-embracing, all encompassing; it includes the elements of this world and ALL parts of the body as vital pieces to the puzzle of our existence. What would happen if you could not take in air for a couple of minutes? Or be denied food and water for days. How would you feel if you were in a dark room, and denied sunlight for weeks? Or be denied touch for months on end? Or what if your eyesight was taken away for just an hour? Truly we take these elemental experiences for granted, but by taking on a path of reverence, we begin to learn how interdependent we are on our environment. Tantrics not only recognized our interdependence to air, food, sunlight, etc, but made them sacred. Tantric Rituals include the five senses as a worthy path to awakening to a greater reality. By realizing how dependent one is on air in order to live for the next few minutes, you may begin to develop a closer relationship and appreciation to the oxygen that enriches your body.

"Nothing is deeper than the breath," states my tantra yoga teacher. So we start here. What is the breath? Through some online definitions, it means life itself. A baby's infant life starts with it's first inhalation into this world, and ends with the last breath. It is universal vitality. In tantra and yoga, we must start at mastering our own breath. If you want to gain greater control over your sexual energy, you will get no where without developing a relationship to your breath. But our bodies have become very smart at limiting our capabilities for taking a long, slow, deep inhalation. Why? Because then we will be forced to feel deep emotions that we are hiding under our shallow breathing patterns. Somehow over time we have gotten comfortable with the amount of tension we are holding in the shoulders. Our ego, or separation identity, informs our body to only take short breaths, for if we take a full and long breath, we may be reminded of our innate truth, or Oneness of Being.

Healing and transformation can happen when we give ourselves permission to breathe. We become relaxed, and have the opportunity to take in prana (life--force), more oxygen gets to the brain, which creates more access to our creativity. When we have more access to our creativity, we have more power.

WOAH. So tantrics were actually about empowerment; they were human beings who denounced the shaming of sex, reclaimed their breath, their bodies as holy, and their genitals as sacred sites worthy of worship?! No wonder they had to keep themselves hidden, and their practices secret. The status quo wants to keep you asleep, wants to take your power so you will show up to work every day, pay your taxes, and keep dreaming in this comfortable world that has been set up for you. But a tantric doesn't take any one else's word as truth, for it is not a path of just words; It is an experiential path. Claim truth as your own after you have experienced it in your own body. We could all try to shame ourselves around sexual pleasure, but personally I find that owning my own sexual energy and harnessing it like a champion horse is deeply satisfying. I have banished societal's shame around sexual empowerment as an old and crumbling paradigm. We must stand firm in our own birthright to be taken to the edge of existence through ecstatic bliss. Tantra is a path to truth; truth as Love. Truth as bliss. Truth as empowered sacred-sexual beings that are dancing in this world to be a vital participant in it; a Tantric is not trying to get out. We are embracing this moment as "IT". There is no other time, no other place for you to be! Take in this moment! Breathe it in! Form a tactile relationship to your reality. Feel the sheets when you climb into bed; taste and chew your food. Appreciate your lovers embrace, or the slight smell on their skin. This is moment-to-moment enlightenment. We can chase after an awakening "over there" or meditate for 20 years in hopes that someday we will be awakened. Or we can take a conscious present breath in our daily reality and realize that all we have is this moment.

---

Resistance to Release

Cooking in the stew of emotional and physical triggers, yet I am still finding a way to be gentle with myself and allow these difficult feelings to arise. My heart wants to scream, I want to explode in all directions so at least I would feel something more than mildly lame. Mediocre is so frustrating. I would rather feel pain than numbness. At least it's something different than the pit in my heart. I'm not sure if I"m empty, yet fullness feels so far away right now. Perhaps when I've been truly happy, it's been fleeting moments of fantasy, while I'm on vacation, or just twirling in ecstasy while I'm dancing. Who am I if I'm not ecstatic? Static?

Holding myself is getting tiresome. I can't be the container and the water. This vessel wants to let go now. She wants to dive deep, and experience the extraordinary, but for now I'm stuck in this bubble of ordinariness. I will get away soon. My gemini nature just wants to run, and never come back; always a new change of scenery keeps my mind from getting stagnant. But for now, she has reached a stalemate. No where to run, no where to hide but right here inside this empty drum in my chest.

Delirious Wonderment, Inviting Shiva's Moon Rays Into the Heart

Nama Shivaya
Nama Shivaya
Nama Shivaya
Namo Namaha!

Oh Great Lord of Perfection, enter into my consciousness, sit in the seat of my soul! Swim into the depths of my yoni, pierce my heart, and fly into the thousand golden lotus petals of my crown! You show me perfection, and all I can do is mirror that which you are! By showing me your crystalline consciousness, I am at peace with existence. You dance within my soul because my soul is a broken piece of your ocean. Together we swim through life, married by consciousness' mistress; Shakti.  Take my hand, Lord Shiva, and may we dive into the depths of Lila, the play of your creation in this ever-turning wheel of birth, sustaining, death. I evolve for right now I abolish Death. In your Eyes, I am set free, for you are looking into mine, erasing all past present and future selves into pure oneness in the moment.

I sit in meditation, radiating with Your Divine splendor. You shine like the moon; gentle, blue and white, soft and mysterious. You fill me up with your love, and cool me with your blue skin. Take me Lord Shiva, until we dance the last dance, until we see the last sunset on Earth, until this cycle is complete. You keep rewarding me with Wish-fulfilling jewels; you show me that I am that. I am the splendor within the seat of your hridayam. I am that which I am. You are that. We are that. Let's unite in the stars tonight.

I sip my chamomile lemon and Tulsi tea, reminiscing on my love for you. Meditation is so sublime, I almost forget. I arrived home from yoga to yet another love note from Esteban, him expressing to me that he wants to endlessly gaze into my soul, feel this love connection, and be close to my heart. Those of course, are my wishes, too. Is this love really real? Is it just a fabricated reality between two bodies and hearts that dance together, bouncing off heat and love, or is it deeper? Is it real? I think we both want to know, to see, to feel, to taste and experience love. He called me like a shooting star in the sky, and he can still feel the impact of my dancing spirit in the sky. My essence goes beyond space and time, leaving an imprint on his heart. Well, let's see if my Maravilla can spur up such a love in the states. Costa Rica is so far away right now.

the heart beats waves to the shore

Being brought out of bed by the sound of rain, opening the door to the portals of the sky blending into oneness with the grey ocean, I'm inspired to raise my hands in admiration of the day. He smiles at me, a deeply loving and playful smile, that of a child expressing love for his mother. I don't know if I can hold all this love. Please, don't let me be the only source of love. I watch you  prepare the food; chop the potatoes, slice the papaya, and fry it with salt, pepper, and the presence of your love. You ceaselessly give whenever, wherever, and however you can. There is no "no" in your heart, you only look for Yes's, the openings, the way to penetrate more deeply into the soul.

So why does my heart put up these walls, a resistance to love's embrace? Why can't I be loved like this, or like that? What am I holding onto? Or is it truly my body's wisdom that I need to listen to? Maybe it's too early for me to fall in love, or to paint the illusion of this unburstable bubble. I just want to be your intimate teacher; can we just hold each other? Why can't I just be held by you; maybe I don't need to be pounded into submission;

You saw me in the hallway of Las Gemelas; the Twins, which are the names of two rocks out of the shore of Manuel Antonio. I was already avoiding unwanted attention from another man who was coming on too strong; you looked me square in the eyes, and said "you're beautiful". If only I had known your depth at a glance. Your eyes were closed, I passed you by, and you felt the dakini's light pass through your body; only to open your eyes into mine. Who is this woman? Why do I feel this inner attraction, you say? I must express my heart for this beloved in front of me. I just laugh it off and stumble into the stall of the bathroom in a drunken swagger. 

After having a night of total debauchery at the discotheque in Quepos, I return to the bar seat at Las Gemelas; I order a cold juice on a simmering hot day. You sit down next to me, join me in my avoidance of the scary world which stole my passport the day before. I'm frustrated and tired, tired of men always wanting something more from me. I use a synnacle voice, but that doesn't deter you from only being sweet to me. You call the U.S. embassy, asking what I need to do to re-issue a passport. You are only in service as you feed me bites of your breakfast plate; you already don't let me feed myself. 

We check out at the restaurant and we walk, I feel your attention like the sun's heat on a blossoming flower in the summertime;  we walk but I don't really care where we are going. What is it that we are looking for? Oh yeah, we are looking for my friend, but we don't find her for hours. Our journey leads us to yoga and massage and swimming on the beach. After we are pummeled by body surfing a few big waves, you lead me to fresh water. You wash the sand off my body, taking extra care around my face and forehead, and gently rub the particles off my ears. You dry every part of my body with a towel. I feel your love in every movement, every wipe is a caress from your heart, and I surrender and am enveloped in something deeper; you don't want something from me, you only want to give more, just for the sake of giving. 

We walk back into town, after our baptism of fresh water, and rejoin my friends at a dinner table. I'm in total bliss, knocked off balance by this indescribable feeling, the love-struck spell of Manuel is in full-effect. Be careful what you say in Costa Rica, it might come true. If you say "Universe, I want to fall in love again" it is listening; cupids arrow knows no time, it will strike and you will be hit. 

After munching some chips and salsa and talking with my friends, I realize that I forgot my hat where we rinsed out bodies; you run off to get it. You return not only with the hat, but four hand-made glass pendants; two for me, and one for each of my friends; I feel your love overflowing with gifts, again for the sake of giving. Your sacred service is off the hook. I'm in complete awe of you.

My friends want to leave town; I look at you and say, I'm going to stay with you tonight, and ride the bus back to Dominical in the morning. Shaktiva leaves, seeing how blissful I am, but warning me with her eyes to be careful. 

We run off into the sunset, realizing how unreal this all is, taking photos in the gorgeous light of dusk, watching married couples utilize the light of lovers; waves crash into my soul, pulling me this way and that, I feel everything.

You crash into me, like the biggest and wettest wave, then bringing me safely to shore in your arms. You work out every tension in my body with your force. Blue cosmic storm, you can't help but blow the heavenly force of wind and water into my every pore, inside and out, shaking anything out that needs to leave my body. Cleansed, and washed with your sweat, we retire into the midnight air, only to awaken at dawn with God's light.

We rise just before dawn, stumbling with no food or water into the national park, alone, before anyone else ruins the path with human footprints. It's just you, me, and the jungle. Silently we walk through the morning air, stopping here and there to admire the creation of Lila before us. I can't help but feel the pull of the tides on my heart. We end our excursion with a mad sprint to the ocean. You fly by me with your thick and powerful legs, faster than a horse, like the most powerful animal on earth, you are. We once again take off our clothes and bathe in the ocean. 

You slice the mango before me this morning, days later, with furious passion; you give me sample bites of fruit as you arrange the rest as the most holy fruit mandala, drizzled with honey and love. You are so ridiculous, I can't help but surrender to your greatness. You are best when in service, slicing, lifting, hammering, tending, washing, cleaning me with love. 

We went to the waterfalls, not knowing what Creation had in store for us. We lay under the pummeling water, screaming with delight, pleasure, and terror. There's nothing stronger than Nature's fury, nothing more humbling than the power of wind and water, gravity and grace. I scream with delight, knowing that I can be taken at any moment. I really have no say in when I go. When mama wants to take me home, I am going, for there is no force to counteract that of death. No amount of anger or light to challenge God's light. I scream in delight and terror; this edge of life and death is so thrilling; I crash into the water, seeking land after the Nauyaca's falls thoroughly plummet into my soul. You join me in  a tantric moment. Two love birds play and chirp above us, acknowledging our connection. They pirch up on the rocks, in the shape of a heart; just happy to be with one another. They let out one more playful song for us, tickling our hearts into joy. I can't believe what is before me. We rise to hike back down the mountain; the birds sing and fly over our heads.

What does this all mean? I'm not sure. I'm just trying to come into greater appreciation. Can I just receive, be graceful, surrender and appreciate this man before me? Why is love hard for me to sink into; my independence of self is stronger than that, or so I think. 

You sneak up behind me, share a kiss and wrap me up in warmth. For now, just for this moment, I surrender into your love. Me encantan, mi amor.