Royal Desire....Intro...

The beginning of a very very naughty story.... Enjoy the Intro: )

         Draped in pearls and diamonds, the Queen's dress so constricting that she can hardly breathe through her chest. The royal quarters of the castle room is softly lit by candles, her voice wrathful with truth.

 "You enter my bedchamber, a place of darkness, of fear, and the light of truth. You will either be accepted into my pussy or chopped by the dragon’s vengeance. Your neck awaits the sword of truth!

Welcome to my bedchamber. What were you hoping to learn here? How do you think you can serve the Queen? Do you think you can make me succumb to your desire for me? Do you even really know desire Do you think you can please me? Just how will you pull me into the depths of myself?

My erotic nature one day is as easy as a hairpin to unravel, the next day I am a hopeless stonewall and you must use force to crack me. But crack me you will, for it is in the crack that the light of God will shine through and you will be more able to see yourself. But not ‘yourself’ as a mere mortal, but as my Spiritual King, immortalized in the records of time.

None of you measly men are ok with death. You’re all searching for pussy because it’s the closet thing you can feel to God. But it is my secret nectar you are looking to drink, a blissful intoxicant, which stimulates your being to be closer to the Divine.

I want you to feel God in my throbbing dampness; I want you to taste divinity in my juice. I want you to take God fully in when I come in your mouth. Drink me all the way in. If there’s anything left of your ego, if you’re not fully lost in me, then you will never be found. You will slip between the cracks of time and be forgotten forever.

Be ready to surrender your head, it is your ego that I am after, the parts of your identity that you hide the most. The little secrets about your childhood that only your mother knows, the way in which you seek comfort behind your own shadow, I want to shine a lantern to your forbidden soul.  Wait for my love in the darkness, like that place in your heart where no light can penetrate. It is in the silent depths where you will find my love. It is within the Mystery than you can be shown what’s real.  I, but one alchemical reaction to your immaculate presence, but you most truly do your own bidding. You have to choose. I can only point a horse to water, but  I cannot make him drink.

Now swallow me. Take me. Seek out the nectar of my soul. No other essence is as supreme as mine; my heart, sublime reflections of the endless waves on the sea. I only cut out your beating heart so that you may learn of pain, so you transcend the illusion of your flesh. Delve into your lust so you know what truly satisfies. The goddess is interested in this realm of flesh, desire, passion, and for right now that’s all there is.

Fuck me deeper until I reach the place where no body remains, there is only vast nothingness where the vacuum pulls us so deep, reality disappears. It’s through the flesh we reach transcendence. Its through breath you’ll find our union. It’s through your own human orgasm you discover a glimpse of your true nature as primordial wisdom.

Riding the edge of my soft pearl, ride me all the way into my Queendom, my glorious reflection of only that is truly gold; me, my pussy, the ultimate sanctuary for your desperate soul. Drink me!

You do not know how to take such an offer. You’ve never really had a woman such as the Queen!"

 How did this little prince of the neighboring kingdom end up here, she thought, and how was he going to proceed? Obviously he was screwed, because he knew he could not please her, and he knew that she would have his head if he did not succumb to her desire, for her every desire to be satiated in the feelings of love. He did not love her, and he could not.

The King Folds

  

          He gave his cards up. The King was holding a royal flush, and he folded. He put them on the table, and with loving eyes he took my hand in his, put all his love into my hand, and returned my palm back onto the table. He gave me back to myself, instead of stringing me along into his created turmoil of his life. I wish I could hand you all the pictures inside my mind; the angles of his face as he talks. the movement of emotion across the table. Me raising my voice, him lowering it. We fought a loving battle, I lost my wager, but won his heart.

"Was it fake?'

I had so many questions, repeated them in my mind how I was going to ask them, and I only managed to get this one out of my mouth.

"No it wasn't fake. It was real. We had magic, we had the fantasy. It was sexy, it was fun, it was raw. It was real." I see the glow soften to a sultry aura.

Real love isn't something you can make up in your head. Love is something you feel. And you continue to feel it for this person regardless of actions, of things said or un-said. You just continue loving them. 

But then he explains that our worlds don't match. He doesn't fit into mine, my house, with my friends, and this I take offense to this.  I'm really not sure what he means because we were not only a dynamic fit for each other, our worlds merged to create something larger than ourselves. Perhaps he thinks I'm too LIGHT, and his Shadow will over-power the inner strength of my Sun. Perhaps he thinks that his Darkness will put my light out. It has only made me burn brighter, even in the pain, the loss, the feeling of separation. But he's made his decision, and his decision has been made. At the very least, for this time period of his separation with his old 7 year-long relationship with Dragon, but he's also battling with his career as a movie maker. He thinks he has too many Demons for me to handle. Hollywood is doing a number on his psyche, and he doesn't want me to watch the bad blood take place. He thinks he's saving me from the darkness of the world by removing me from the equation of his life. My world will keep on spinning with or without him, but even with all the drama, all the tears and transitions of this ride, the ups and downs, I want more. I always want more with him. Even sitting across from him at this restaurant where we always go, where we have always met in our Love and in our Difficulty, I have enjoyed every moment with him, even when it's pertained as "ugly." I have held him at his lowest, and seen him soar high. But he's not satisfied with something. There's something behind all of his words that he's still not sharing with me; it doesn't all ad up. There's still something missing here, an emptiness hiding behind his words.

My capacity for compassion for another human being who is suffering through chaos has grown exponentially through this relationship. I feel like I learned a lot about love...loving even when you don't feel like loving anymore, even when you're suffering, even when you're flat on the ground crying, unable to move. Send them love. 

"Why are you fighting still?"

He really wants me to wave the flag of surrender. And I am "giving up" to the best of my ability as he's shining eyes of adoration on me. It would be a lot easier to completely give up the fight if he didn't continue to still love me. But the glimmer is not dead. There is not emptiness in our hearts. They are full, I would say, even have the potential of bursting.

I'm choosing to live in my fantasy...that my King is building me a castle, that the cards don't lie, that nothing is set in stone, not even stone. 

Artemisia built a tomb for her deceased King Mausolus in ancient Turkey, a Mausoleum so grand she covered it in gold and placed her lover inside...the Taj Mahal, another testament to a man's love for his Queen. Does anyone love like this anymore??! Does true, GRAND EPIC RiDICULOUS LOVE exist in these modern times?! Did humans love more back then before cars and computers and televisions and walled structures of loneliness? Did we depend on our partner more for survival...we must have...there weren't options for separation.

"The flashbacks are coming in now. I remember when we were in the hotel in Reno, totally fucked up, drunk, on mushrooms, laughing our asses off. And I wanted to be MORE drunk, more fucked up. You said 'I will just stick a bottle of Vodka up your ass, would you like that?' We laughed in hysteria for hours. I'm going to miss these moments."

Finally I'm seeing the fact that he really did love me, he really does think of me and remember our time together, that he's beginning to miss the magic we shared. It was real for him, and still is. He has confessed almost everything to me, but is preserving something for himself now.

We fight a little, I yell and raise my voice at him, which is very rare. He calms me down, but there is still discomfort in the air. He picks up the check, he's 4 beers in, me two, and we duke out the rest of our story in the parking lot, where so many of our stories have unfolded on this LA corner near Franklin and Bronson...our Fairy Tale is attempting to come to an end. 

I over dramatize his words and scream them out as if I were in a play, "OH! Our worlds collide, the fairies and the fetishists cannot play together! We're doomed!" I'm running into his body and laughing as I say these words, he's looking at me confused, wondering why I'm even attempting to make sense of it all. 

"You know what D, our world DO mesh, they do intercept, they make a perfect shape in the middle, a Vesica Pisces, and this is where babies are born. This is where creation takes place."

He begins to see my point.

"You put so much emphasis on the Oracle. Well I consulted the Oracle, the cards, when I returned from NY, and I questioned us, our relationship, what it's destiny is. You know what I pulled?

"No tell me."

I pulled the Strength Card, the Empress, and I, the Queen of this story, was surrounded by Swords; the Two, Three, Four, and Five of Swords; all kinds of conflict over this period. And we're still in this period of strife

We shared a cigarette in which I shared our destiny; I drew cards months back in order to predict our Love the path that it would take, and our ultimate destiny together. He’s completely forgotten all of his mention of actually wanting to be in a relationship with me, that he is my future husband, that he truly did love and adore me. I’m standing firm in my power, in my offering of my magic, and I’m really not attached to the outcome.

We are exactly where we are meant to be according to the Cards, the path they are leading us on right now is a time of quiet contemplation, silence before the storm, a chance to gather our inner strength. He still has an uphill battle to fight with his career, and it might get bloody. He still has a woman in his house, cooking for him. He has too many chains attached to him right now to dance with me.

After all the swords and fighting, I drew the King of Coins, which is financial and worldly successs, representing a man at the top of his game, with a Kingdom to share with another. This archetype of course represents him, and if he can attain success with his carreer, he will gain everything. The next three cards I drew are the Ace, Two, and Three of Cups; representing spiritual attainment, the Lovers, and Absolute Opulence and Happiness.

I know a potential possibility is for us to be together, to swim in our electric connection for much much longer. Our love is not dead, it is very much alive between us.

“If you had a Castle right now, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation, you would probably be inviting me over to your castle right now.”

“You’re good haha, You’re very good.”

He confirms my instinct that this is an artificial break up because we are separating not out of lack of desire for each other, but because of wordly inflictions; a few technical difficulties!

He hugs me goodbye, palms my face and tells me he loves me.

He hugs me, always too briefly and pours his love into me. My whole body is trembling, opening, soaring so high like it was when we first met.

“I love you, slut,” he loves calling me what I am.

He turns and walks away, a turn he did not want to make in that moment but had to. He keeps walking away like a real man would, into his chosen destiny with his demons.

I sit in my car to even out my emotions, but I dare not linger too long as to wallow. I feel complete. I love this man, endlessly, and my only choice is to let him go, to let D go “renegade.”

I just know he can’t stay away from me forever.

Queens Versus Aces.. All in or Fold?

I'm not really sure how I am supposed to feel now. Part of me thinks I should be satisfied because I won; I won him away from his old life, he chased me all over Burningman, he's saying the right words again,.. But my heart goes through weird contractions in the middle of my highway drive from Between the Sunset of Venice to the disk of Hollywood. I have a lot of time to think of him in my car and perhaps this is when I miss him the most. I yearn so badly to be filled to the brim, to be completely overflowing with godly power from my King; the only problem is he hasn't accepted his crown yet. I know our fate, and on some levels he does too, but promises are not his to make. He knows he cannot fail if he does not get on the horse. So he chooses to walk solo on the ground, hands free of the reigns that attach to my heart. He cannot be accused of unfulfilled hopes with me if he makes no word of any future.

He filled my dreams last night somewhere between my sub-conscience and the LA earthquakes. His face, his voice in my hallway, perhaps his spirit really did travel to my house last night to meet me, but his body stayed sound asleep at home, probably next to his Dragon; the Ex, the one torturing him till his last drop excuses him from this life, until every last ounce is wrenched out of his mortal coil.

I see in him immortality. That is how he makes me feel when I am in his presence; imm-fucking-mortal, invincible, unconquerable. Yes I have been yearning for a Kingly figure in my life for many years; the Disney Fairy Tale, the one to ride off with into the sunset;like We will
Live happily ever after; at least in my imagination! Unfortunately the mind does not predict major road blocks, it cannot calculate fate or circumstance, only the Universe has the Upper hand; sometimes you are only left to play the shitty cards you are dealt. I'm in the middle of playing a poker hand with the Milky Way.

I cannot just throw my cards in and forfeit this game; my chips are in, my heart has bet on him, a lover at least more entertaining than anyone before. For a Gemini which boring equals death, I have scored 4 Aces, but they are dangling on a wild Stallion. A lover that fucks the hidden crevices of my soul, revealing my wild Tendrils!! Love can only fill you where you are already full. My gas tank is mostly open to momentary interpretation, and right now I have the middle of my puzzle put together and the picture is beginning to take shape around a solid center, for the heart connection is strong, but the foundation is floating in the clouds and could drift into peripheral precipitation at any moment.

We finally fuck in the hotel bathroom; I was beginning to doubt the power of his cock at all; it had been two months and he lost his sex drive for a while. He still hadn't given me his sauce; the nectar from coming inside of me. Resilience and patience aren't concepts anymore, they are my daily practice with him. He's dosed with a heavy intoxicant by my friend and begins striking the clothes off of me; one thing Is for sure; when he wants it, he really wants it.
Once naked and the tip of his cock almost inside of me, we run into the bathroom for privacy from our two friends in the hotel room.

He straps it up and puts it in. We ride on the granite counter tops; he smothers my mouth with his hand, allowing my psyche to be completely terrified of his power and it works. My insides scream in submission and erotic terror. He is at least twice as strong as me but is generous with his mercy; he chokes me just enough, but never as much as to hurt me. The rest is a blur in my mind.

Eventually we proceed to the bed once my friends have left; he rides me on the bed now and moans with Euphoric Delight. I hear his pleasure growing and growing to a peak... And it happens; after two months of a dry desert, he rides this wave ALL the way to the shore... He comes inside me, of course the liquids trapped by latex.

He pulls it out, hovers his millions of spermal creation above me and jokes

"You want my Sauce?!!" an inside joke since I call him Bunny Sauce, but I haven't gotten a millimeter of his juice since the very beginning back in June.

"Yes!" I say, even though the thought of it on me from the condom doesn't really sound that appealing.

It doesn't matter, he turns it upside down and drizzles his warm sauce all over my chest and belly. I have no choice but to embrace it and spread it all over me. I almost jump immediately into the shower, but I turn around, and request his hands back on my pussy to make me come. No one loves my pussy more than him. No one makes me come like he does. He doesn't just touch my pussy; he temporarily becomes obsessed with it, and puts all of his brain power and lightning attention into it, filling it not just with his physical being, but with his entire essence. Nothing is better.

I'm sure I scream and tremble for minutes, contractions that send me out of my mind. I'm thoroughly fucked and I love it. We feel temporarily complete. Unconquerable, immortal, invincible with his Power.

And, a week later, writing these words, alone, I am back in the same vulnerable position. Will I bet all my chips or fold in resignation?
I'm choosing to play my poker face and let him make the next move.

Love is Madness, I Once Was Blind But Now I See

It's pretty hilarious looking back on my journey with this Man; this man that has loved me so completely, filled me with his essence, falling into the trap of love. I opened up the red carpet of my heart only to see a giant steam roller headed straight for me at 80 miles an hour. I was hit-hard. And amongst the crash, I couldn't imagine a way out, I could only feel the string of emotions plummeting through my soul. I had to let him go; every ounce, every concept.

I awoke every morning with his Name hitting me over the head, he was always the first thought that arose, letting me know that I was no longer dreaming. But I did it; I released him to the Mystery of the Cosmos, and we both knew that we would rediscover what was real; if any of it was real, out in the dusty desert of Black Rock City. We took our puzzle out to Burningman, to throw ourselves in the fire and discover what was beneath the illusion of our bodily sheathes.

I met him for coffee, the Sunday I left for the Playa, a nervous but excited wreck I was, but I always cherish a chance of being in His presence. I arrived at Coffee Bean 10 minutes before him, which gave me enough time to order my tea, and while adding sweetener to my drink I heard a man's loving voice laughing with a child. I though to myself how charming; and it was him, playing with his young niece, laughing and shaking his hands in her hair. There is nothing more attractive then seeing a man connect with a child; to see his love glowing out of him and extending it to his family. I almost died right there; this is the man I covet, always somehow roping my heart back into his.

He ordered his cappuccino and we sat at a table outside, to reconcile, to discuss, mostly I just listen to his imagination. His mind never stops, his charm always working on me, the laughter exchange between us...we have a friendly connection. We make plans to meet on the playa at 5pm on Tuesday, that he will find me at my camp. I can't wait for the moment. After an hour he lets me go in the parking lot, licks my neck and bites me with his teeth, and sends my whole body in a whirl spin. I usually have to beg my lovers to bite me like he does; and he just knows, he just is that physical prowess I yearn for so deeply.

We part ways and I finish packing, making my 14 hour journey to the Playa north of Reno, Nevada from LA. My friends and I arrive at 6am, off of no sleep, and we set up camp for the next 4 hours, and I decide to take my first bicycle ride out of camp; I connect with 6 other friends, and we set out for Champagne and beats. The playa magic begins; laughter, dancing, silliness, drunken flirtation with the boys and wet laughter ensues; the party doesn't stop for an entire week.

My Lover Man doesn't find me until Wednesday; he kept knocking on my door while I was sleeping the the trailer next door with my new Playa Crush; yup Burningman is that brutal; you have to take what you can get in every moment, because that's how synchronicity works! I explain to my new crush, Mercury, that this is only temporary, that my lover is looking for me, and I have to reconnect with him.

He finds me finally at 7pm Wednesday night after leaving a note on my trailer. We have a long awaited date in the dust. He's already tired and exhausted from the journey, but we decide to dose up with magical substances and party across the Playa. We have our first night together in almost 2 months, and honestly I don't really care what we're doing, I only care that we're together again.

Spinning in the Opposite Direction of You

“You are so vast I cannot hardly fit you on a page

So when I step away it’s because I can’t withstand the Pain

You fill me, you pour your essence into my soul

You feed me, nourish the parts I wish to see grow

Feed this hungry mouth, I plead, I scream, I beg, I stomp and I scream!!!

Feed me!!! I command, you know this is real, why can’t you fill this empty depth with your seed?

I’m not sure how these words will land

I’m not sure if you’re soaring with the Eagles, free to fly as you choose, I would never clip your wings dear. I want you to fly free

But after traveling the Earth for so long, don’t you wish to witness life through me?

You entered me, a grand entrance at that, you paraded into my world, and showed me your fascinations, your fetish, your faults, your sense of darkness, but mostly your light.

You tower above me, you dominate my soul.

She submits to your love, there is no other option. 

Your power is greater than all those who have come before you.

I don’t know if you’re a stepping stone or my Rock.

Am I just supposed to step through you or step into your heart and grow?

Can I throw my anchor in our love baby? Can I gamble at the chances of us?

Can I build this fort and nail the stakes into the ground? Can I land here, can I stay a while?

Or

Are you just a floating cloud in night, barely there, and hardly noticeable when you’re gone?

I have nothing to hold onto, no railing, no security, no ground.

Just empty space, and the memory of you, and our story, our souls intertwining.

And now I’m just left spinning

Spinning in the opposite direction of you.”

We've Crossed the "Line" Relationship or Not?

Another night goes by, and he stumbles into my house at 2am the next night, drunk, stoned, and high. I keep trying to get out of him what he’s doing as far as drug use, and he won’t tell me. He’s seriously fucked up, stumbling, slurring his speech, but I get him settled and cuddling in my bed.

 “Do you know who I really am? Do you know anything about me? What DO you know about me?”

I’m feeling stupid for having trusted a stranger. The truth is I don’t know who he is, what he’s really about or any details of his past. I don’t know with whom he’s been with, or any patterns of his personality, I was just enjoying him in the moment.

“Did you notice anything strange in my apartment? Any women’s necklaces or toiletries?”

My heart sinks. I really didn’t notice anything strange...I was so hypnotized by his allure, so high off of his nectar that my eyes had gone completely blind!

I’m not really sure how to react. I probably wouldn’t be so pissed if we didn’t just have a week of unprotected sex, and now that I know he has another partner I am upset with myself for having let him in so fast without really knowing anything about him, or even asking.

But this news hit me like a freight train on the side of my face; I totally didn’t see it coming!

“Are you mad?”

I’m still not really sure how to respond or where to go from here, because once again, I am falling in love with someone who isn’t available, or particularly honest or integral for that matter. I don’t kick him out, I don’t scream or yell, I sink deeper into him, and really my attraction for him overrides any reason whatsoever.

He asks me if he should leave, if he should just disappear forever, and I don’t really see that as a solution to our growing connection either. I hold him closer, tell him stories about the existence of the universe, about the everlasting wave of vibratory expanse that we are riding on, and he drifts off to sweet slumber, I listen as his breathing steadies into that of a small toddler. I drift away myself.

We awake in late morning, my room filled with iridescent golden light shining through my Beachwood canyon windows, beckoning us to rise to meet the day. Then I remember what he said the night before and my heart sinks again, pulling me all the way to the bottom of the ocean, where I settle in the sand of shame and despair that he is involved with another woman.

He wakes up, he keeps peering into my eyes, closer and closer he comes into me, letting me know on some level he’s here for me, and doesn’t want to loose our connection to this minor detail. Hmmm. Still not sure how I should feel about this, but I do know my desire for him is stronger than ever. I start touching him, his cock, his body, and he starts to become aroused.

He puts on a rubber this time, and our desperate hearts call for the desperate measure of being with one another one more time. I turn over and demand to be spanks and he does so until my whole ass is red. He slips his long fingers inside me, as his sensitive fingertips find the juiciest part of my strawberry and produce the most refined nectar inside of me.  I come so hard I scream for what seems like a full minute. There’s something about our chemistry, something otherworldly about our chemistry that fills me with so much invisible light, so much charge that I feel like I’m high on DMT for a good while. Infused with invisible consciousness, which heals every part of my body, makes me feel entirely whole again, repairs all damage to my tissues. I feel complete.

So am I supposed to give up this pleasure now? Do I want to be the OTHER GIRL again? Play the role of fun mistress, who he wines and dines and romances while his girlfriend at home gets no love from him? I just don’t think it’s fair to me, to her, to him, to anyone. She’s in New York now, and I don’t know when she returns, but when she does I know it can’t be like this anymore.

Another day goes by. He says a little hello text in the morning. I tell him “You’re practically married! Of Seven YEARS!”

He ploys with me “Don’t make me crash this car right now.”

It obviously affects him that I am so torn about this whole thing. He doesn’t want to loose me.

He calls me at 9pm that night and arranges to take me to dinner and discuss. He is so distressed when I get tin the car, I’ve never seen him look so ripped apart; it honestly looks like he’s been crying. 

He pretty much gives me a WTF look, like do you want me to just disappear? I don’t. I want him to stay and love me and elevate me to my highest blissful most surrendered state. I want him to watch me grow and evolve into the incredible woman that I am becoming. I want to help him achieve health, excellence and a successful career. I want to weave my soul with is.

I keep this to myself, and say “Is this what you want? Do you just want me to go away? Because I’m not pushing you away. I’m right here. I’ll stay until you tell me to go.”

He blabs on about drama, his past, and his past with her…. I’m not even sure what he’s talking about sometimes because his accent is so heavy.  I cut through his gibberish and just request a simple answer.

“What do you want? What do you want with me, what do you want with her?”

He’s a little shocked at my straightforward nature but he answers truthfully. He wants to travel down the exploratory river with me, to see how it flows and go with it. No heavy vows or commitments, or strings tied to our wrists. We get to just exist with one another.

And what does he want with her (I don’t ever know the name of the girlfriend of course). Well he wants to end it.

So I let him know that in reality, it’s actually really easy to end an already-dead relationship. You say the magic little words, “This just isn’t working anymore.”

He looks at me, a little stunned, because he knows I’m right, but I know he’s too scared to say those words to her. He’d drag it on for two more years if he could, and just have his little flings along the side to keep him happy for the time being. People hold onto unhealthy relationships for all kinds of reasons. I choose to not go into their dynamic too much because it’s really none of my business, but I do tell him it is just that easy. You break up. You say, “I love you but I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Done.

So we’ll see what he decides to do, because I know it will drive me crazy being the “Other Girl” again for any extended period of time. I’m just now that person.

 And I don’t like dating dishonest men either.

July 1^st 2012

It’s done. I said it. I told him my boundaries; that I do not wish to be present for his drama; I am only a soul that wishes to frolic and smell the roses with him, that I am not available for his shit.

She comes home in 12 days from New York, and I leave in 7 to go the very same city she is coming from. What a fucking story. I know it’s going to be shitty from the moment she lands, and he will hate almost every moment with her. I still don’t believe that he’ll break up with her, but I guess I’m giving him that opportunity. If he really cares about me, and he’s really done with her, he will. If I don’t mean that much to him, he’ll stay a while longer because that’s what is comfortable.

All in the same month he gets approved for his Green Card, or gets deported back to his home country, in Eastern Europe, back to a life that cannot possibly fill his potential. He is filled by this City of Angels, for Hollywood fascinates this upcoming director of film, feeds his soul and gives him constantly visual stimulation.  He could not bare to return back to his home country. His heart would crumble into a million pieces, and I’m not sure if anyone would be able to pick them up.

All the while his deals are pending for his major feature film to be funded and produced, or not. I’m sure millions have already been spent; investors are counting on their money to be returned, as his bag log of unpaid workers is building up. Pressure is on this one, and somehow I know that he will not cave under pressure. I know he can push up the entire world with his will before physical matter smashed him. The only thing that could destroy him is his own mind.

What I would give to get inside that man’s head…how is thoughts race around like racetracks, and cars crash into one another, causes a huge explosion, and the only reaction I see from the outside is a little smile develop from the corners of his mouth.

So I learn all of this as we are saying our goodbyes in the sunny LA corridor. Then he peers into my eyes, for a good while. After saying our love isn’t real, that we don’t really love each other, and his flirtation is winning on me. He goes back to his charismatic ways, flashing his wrists, and using these facial gestures and postures to win be back over…. it works for a while and I am charmed to being an inch away from his body. And then I see it. Those cheaters where I see through the smoke and mirrors and realize how much of this is all a mirage.

I walk away, smiling, happy, and leaving him wanting more.

July 11^th, New York City, 3pm

Well being separated from a cosmic magnetic force of love doesn’t really last very long, no matter how hard you try. Love is a one-way avenue, a train car headed at 1000’s of miles an hour and there is nothing you can do to stop the velocity and weight of the force moving behind you.

The next Tuesday he texts me at 8:30 in the morning, inviting me to the beach;

“You want to go to Huntington?”

“Yes” I replied after a torturous day being locked up in my Venice studio, out of the gorgeous sunshine and sand. I was depressed that Monday because I was not with him, and because my body really needed a day of sunshine and rest.

“I’ll pick you up in one hour,” he replies.

I run my morning errands, have my morning coffee, and get ready for  a day at the beach. I’m excited, but the tide of my body is very low, the red liquid of my menstral cycle pulling me closer to the earth, making me move slowly.

He picks me up in his large black SUV, and I’m not sure how to be with him; affectionate and sweet, angry and bitchy, or just be his friend since I can’t continue to be his lover. But my entire body is pulsating with desire for him, and I can’t help but want to jump on top of him. I settle for a nuzzle on the cheek instead. He comments on my sign of affection, but his attidute is wired and cocky this morning, and does not sink into the sweetness that I need at the moment. I’m really tender.

We drive an hour south to where the waves are best in Orange County, a place I rarely frequent, and the sky is overcast, a hazy hot grey fog. I get out of the car and my heart is confused as to why I am here; I ask him.

“Why do you want me here?”

He is upset and confused, because he thinks he’s been attentive and sweet, but I have only had his rough edges this morning.

“What kind of question is that? You are here because I want you to be here. You are here because you want to be here with me. It’s as simple as that.”

“Ok then just be sweet to me then.” My sensitive heart ployed with his soul.

“Ok.”

He dresses quickly in his surf gear, and races out to catch the waves. I lay for about 90 minutes, and he returns drenched and happy form the waters and sits next to me for a moment…my pussy is still throbbing with desire for him, we really haven’t made love for days, and I miss him being inside of me. He races back in the water before I can tell him of my desire for him. It’s as if I am the surf board, tied on a leash to his ankle, and I can feel his every move, yearning for when and where he will direct me. My pussy is tugged towards the ocean, yearning to reunite with my lover’s full force. I will not be satiated or satisfied any time soon.

Back in Venice, he drops me at my car, and we say good-bye.

“Are you going to the Bondage Ball tonight?”

“Yes, are you?,” he replies

I was so tired, but angry and upset, I could really use some creative outlet to work out this crazy energy I have built up inside.

“I don’t really want to go if I’m not going with you, but I suppose I can muster up the energy and meet you there. I’m sure you have lots of ladies to go flirt with.”

Bondage Ball

I go home, and take another hour long nap. Apparently going to the beach is hard work! It’s Independence Day eve, and we are celebrating our freedom to be enslaved..hahahaha. I’m linked to him like a ball is to a chain, so I really have no choice at this point but to follow my drive, my instincts, and my heart.

I dress in tight black leather detailed pants, heels, a lacey pink and black corset, a hat to match my hair, and armed with a collar and black flogger that can really do some damage. I’m ready to roll and ready to spank.

I arrive at the Belasco and text him to let him know that his lady in waiting, this frisky and crazy Domina, has arrived at the Ball. He is blissfully unaware of my plans to capture him as my slave and spank him silly, that I am a hunter, and he my prey.

He rushes to the fourier, and I spot him. He turns and sees me but we have to fight through a crowd of people to reach one another. I crowch down behind a large woman dressed in black, then spring forward like a leopard attacking a gazelle, leaving no room for ecscape. I aim for his neck, and he goes into a crazy panick and starts pulling my body with him, but I do not let go. I almost have the leather collar on him, and we are rudely interrupted.  I get the evil eye from a tall, confident, black haired and maybe even black-eyed bitch who is warning me to not proceed any further. Since I am not a serious bitch, but merely a playful one. I release the tension on the collar as My Sub of the moment gives me a frightened look, like a child getting scorned by his mother.

I run away into the ball, and find myself in a different situation. I spot them in the corner, him yelling at her, and She, still giving me the evil eye to stay off this man. This man who I’ve been spending almost every day with for the last month. I let it go, and start spanking novices in the party.

Brion, a largely built, confidant, and sexy circus performer spots me, and is pleasurably a-gasped to see me in my corset, equipped with a flogger. He tells me to spank his friend, Matt, who has never been spanked before. I think he is a fine subject and proceed without making any calculation that Matt would put up a fight. Men apparently don’t like to a surprise sabotage attack to the throat by strangers.

I rush forward, cover is neck in the collar but before I can clasp it, he swoops me up my feet like a skilled dancer, I’m flailing my appendages in the air, but I do not let go of his neck. After a long struggle, I get it clasped, and he surrenders to my will.

My subject is wearing jeans, so I know I can apply quite a bit of force with the flogger. I wind up and smack his ass. The crowd is building around us, and so it the heat. This is quite entertaining. I smack with even more force, eventually hitting him as hard as I possibly can.

Then I release the built up stress from his neck and give him a big hug and kiss on the cheek, rewarding him for taking the pain so well.

He buys me a drink, the Dom finds me, introduces me to his friend, and informs me that he is high on mushrooms.  I laugh and tease, and give him a half of a valium to appease his senses. He profusely apologizes for the crazy Bitch, of which I have already erased in my Geminin mind, like water under the bridge. He can’t let it go.

“How dare she threatens you! You are my Queen! My sister! I told her to Never threaten any of my brothers or sisters ever again!” He is really worked up about it all!

He grabs me and doesn’t let me out of his site for the rest of the party. Since we met, he has taken up every check, picked me up on time for dates, taken me to the airport, and even shown up at my doorstep unannounced to tell me something important. This man has fallen deeply in love with his HaHa bunny, and he’s not letting her go.

We watch the hot fetish models perform onstage, modeling different latex and leather corsets, showing off the latest underground fetish style. We are in the crowd, I turn around, the lights flashing around us, the room full of costumed kinky party goers, and he screams at the top of his lungs “ I LOVE YOU. “

I bubble up inside, still testing this man’s strength, his dedication to me, his truth, and I have no choice but to scream at the top of my lungs,

“I HATE YOU!!” With so much fury and wrath, but I only hate him so much because I love him with so much passion that I hate what it’s doing to my tender body and soul. I’m completely his and I have no choice in the matter. I was his from hello.

I take him back to my friend’s mini play party in the hills. We walk in with my basket of  retraints, floggers, whips, and toys. Dom’s favorite is the collar he puts me in.

He is stil looped out from the drugs I gave him, and he is reclining back on the couch, and strips down to his pink underwear.

I proceed to flog him a bit with my toys, massage him, crawl all over his relaxed body, and let him know that I’m in charge now. There’s a hot model couple sitting next to us enjoying the scene. “hi, what’s your name?”

“I’m Dom.”

“Oh Dom the submissive!” They laugh at the paradox of the situation. He doesn’t care, he’s so enamored with me, it doesn’t matter if he’s the top or the bottom, because he’s with me. He stares into my eyes, and doesn’t separate contact, for I am his muse, his subject, his fantasy, his healer, his fountain, his haha.

We move to the other orange couch on the side of the room, and this time I want him to take over. I stand up in my underwear, collard, he holds me up against gravity with the force of his strong European hands and gives it to me really nice and hard with the flogger.  It’s my favorite black one, with thin black leather strips that sting like a bee upon contact. He makes sure to give it to me good, over and over again in the same spot, creating a red mark. Air moves around my face as he swings the ropes swiftly, creating a terrifying effect of when the flogger actually makes contact with my skin. He works me up with his intent, making me excited and nervous at the same time. 

“Bend over” He says in his Croatian accent, creating a more submissive role for me to bend into.

I lean over the couch, aiming my other ass cheak near his face, encouraging him to spank that one. A submissive musn’t tell the Dom what to do, making such a request could result in worse punishment, so I just hint with sublte body language that I want him to get my other ass cheek.

He lays me down face up on the couch. I can barely focus my eyes from the dose of E and G, creating an effect in which I may just pass out, my eyes rolling back in my head. I just watch with pleasure my lover hovering above me, watching me, loving me, worshiping me.

We finish up on the couch, making out with one another. I ride his cock, but both of us are a little too high to keep interest at our genitals. Our attention turns to the love scene across the way. There are 6 people, 3 men and 3 women making love with one another. Half dressed in bondage Ball attire, the ladies with long blonde hair, perfect C cup tits, and moaning Porn Star moans as they are being penetrated or licked or fingered into pleasure.

“Do you want to go join them?”

Dom encourages me to hop into the scene, to be the 7^th wheel so to speak.

I decline the offer, as I like to just magically find myself in the middle of the scene, not enter from side left like an unsuspected train from the Mid-West. I’m enjoying the woman’s pleasure from afar.

We decide to pack up our toys and head out and get some sleep, as the next day is Independence day, and we would like to enjoy parts of it in the daytime. I have to crawl around the couch and gather my rabbit fur mits from beneath a sweaty guy’s ass, and crawl upon this hot surfer boy who must be a model, and find myself kissing hm good bye. His long blond hair and innocent eyes and large raging cock draw me in with some interest. We make out for a moment, but I pull away, knowing that at this moment I value sleep more than an orgasm.

We return home, to my fairy palace, he follows me with his black range rover, we take the corners up to my Beachwood canyon place tight and fast, snaking our way back up to my own personal wonderland. 

We snuggle up in bed, and his sleeping pill is kicking in fast. I start talking about the outer reaches of the universe as he lulls into sleep, my words being the last thing he hears before his consciousness takes him into Bunny dream land.

July 4^th

We Awaken to what feels like a new dawn in serenity, and I hop up and appease his belly by making breakfast while he hops in the shower. I make a complete mess of the kitchen, chopping herbs for the salad, preparing Quinoa, and boiling eggs. I haven’t cooked in a while, and I’m not sure if what I make will be satisfactory to him. I’m so high off of his love, that I feel like I might short-circuit out of this kitchen and explode right out of this reality. There’s nothing better than finding someone who uplifts your existence; your every cell, word, action, becomes a service to them.

This is what I feel when I hand him his morning tea and smoothie; that I want to ease his every pain, remove every woe, every ounce of suffering in his being, to fill his soul with unbounded joy and light. I guess this is just the king of lover I am, what happens to me when I devote myself to someone that I truly adore and love.

We live a domestic day, cleaning the kitchen together, taking out the trash, fold my laundry, and finally, on the 4^th of July, we are ready to head to a Malibu beach party at 7pm, and drive through the miraculous mountains of Topanga to get there. We ride through the sunny canyon discussing metaphysics, science, philosophy and of course fetish and kink. I love getting inside his brilliant mind, and of course, he loves sharing his insanity with me.

We arrive to Malibu, and learn that my magical Fairy Friend Arielle was at Usher’s party, and just got kicked out because she wasn’t on the invite list. I look at domagoj, and we both decide that we would like to return to my magical fairy castle called home. The drive to Paradise and back was worth the journey, and what matters the most is that we are with one another.

We stop at a magical view point, surrounded by misty clouds, adding to the surreal feeling of the day. We are truly two lovebirds outside of time and space. Love completely erases all reality, and only one thing exists; this moment. We stop to admire the natural beauty, something I don’t get enough of in my city life, and we take the very first phots with one another since we started dating three weeks ago. He’s silly and tense, but my face is glowing with radiant joy.

I send a pic to my mom through  text, to let her know I have a new “hubby” as I call them with her. She compliments my full smile, my face, my glow. There’s something different with me right now. I am happy from the inside out when I am with him, and it shows. I have a fullness that I have not experienced before; he is literally changing the way that I vibrate in the world.

We end our night driving through the city at 10pm as the fireworks go off. They explode over our eyes, creating an other-worldy experience of this concrete junble of a city. Everyone is celebrating our Independence from England 100’s of years prior, but that isn’t even on our minds anymore. This is an excuse to turn off the outside world, be with our families and celebrate our freedom to barbecue and blow shit up in our backyards. Now it’s turned into a drunken mayhem holiday, but the fireworks never cease to amaze me. My favorite explodes to my right over a stadium, a large and glittering gold, a reflection of our eternal nature, right here in the dual realm. He smiles, totally satisfactory that he is making his haha happy. I’m giggling like a 5-year old girl. We circle around Hollywood, and return home to our nest.

I snuggle up in my bed, tired from last night’s parties, and he feels like he has to go. My heart absoluetley won’t let him separate from me so soon when I am going on a trip to NY just days later. This is one of our last nights together, and I want to be next to his warmth. I lull him to sleep once again with my words, petting his belly, and he passes out before me.

He also arises before me, around 6am, and dresses quickly, needing to go home and get work done.

He perches next to me on my bed

“We’ve crossed the line.”

I play dumb, or coy, or maybe both, always letting him initiate the “Love” talk.

“What line?’

“You know what I mean.” He states, and I do. We are together now; we’ve had our domestic time with one another,  we’ve spent a holiday together, and every available moment, really.  He’s basically saying he’s mine, and he wants me to be his.

But there is still a dragon lingering over our shoulders that we haven’t yet addressed. He still has to break up with HER.

I leave for New York, And she returns, and we shall see how this story develops.