Resistance to Release

Cooking in the stew of emotional and physical triggers, yet I am still finding a way to be gentle with myself and allow these difficult feelings to arise. My heart wants to scream, I want to explode in all directions so at least I would feel something more than mildly lame. Mediocre is so frustrating. I would rather feel pain than numbness. At least it's something different than the pit in my heart. I'm not sure if I"m empty, yet fullness feels so far away right now. Perhaps when I've been truly happy, it's been fleeting moments of fantasy, while I'm on vacation, or just twirling in ecstasy while I'm dancing. Who am I if I'm not ecstatic? Static?

Holding myself is getting tiresome. I can't be the container and the water. This vessel wants to let go now. She wants to dive deep, and experience the extraordinary, but for now I'm stuck in this bubble of ordinariness. I will get away soon. My gemini nature just wants to run, and never come back; always a new change of scenery keeps my mind from getting stagnant. But for now, she has reached a stalemate. No where to run, no where to hide but right here inside this empty drum in my chest.

Delirious Wonderment, Inviting Shiva's Moon Rays Into the Heart

Nama Shivaya
Nama Shivaya
Nama Shivaya
Namo Namaha!

Oh Great Lord of Perfection, enter into my consciousness, sit in the seat of my soul! Swim into the depths of my yoni, pierce my heart, and fly into the thousand golden lotus petals of my crown! You show me perfection, and all I can do is mirror that which you are! By showing me your crystalline consciousness, I am at peace with existence. You dance within my soul because my soul is a broken piece of your ocean. Together we swim through life, married by consciousness' mistress; Shakti.  Take my hand, Lord Shiva, and may we dive into the depths of Lila, the play of your creation in this ever-turning wheel of birth, sustaining, death. I evolve for right now I abolish Death. In your Eyes, I am set free, for you are looking into mine, erasing all past present and future selves into pure oneness in the moment.

I sit in meditation, radiating with Your Divine splendor. You shine like the moon; gentle, blue and white, soft and mysterious. You fill me up with your love, and cool me with your blue skin. Take me Lord Shiva, until we dance the last dance, until we see the last sunset on Earth, until this cycle is complete. You keep rewarding me with Wish-fulfilling jewels; you show me that I am that. I am the splendor within the seat of your hridayam. I am that which I am. You are that. We are that. Let's unite in the stars tonight.

I sip my chamomile lemon and Tulsi tea, reminiscing on my love for you. Meditation is so sublime, I almost forget. I arrived home from yoga to yet another love note from Esteban, him expressing to me that he wants to endlessly gaze into my soul, feel this love connection, and be close to my heart. Those of course, are my wishes, too. Is this love really real? Is it just a fabricated reality between two bodies and hearts that dance together, bouncing off heat and love, or is it deeper? Is it real? I think we both want to know, to see, to feel, to taste and experience love. He called me like a shooting star in the sky, and he can still feel the impact of my dancing spirit in the sky. My essence goes beyond space and time, leaving an imprint on his heart. Well, let's see if my Maravilla can spur up such a love in the states. Costa Rica is so far away right now.

the heart beats waves to the shore

Being brought out of bed by the sound of rain, opening the door to the portals of the sky blending into oneness with the grey ocean, I'm inspired to raise my hands in admiration of the day. He smiles at me, a deeply loving and playful smile, that of a child expressing love for his mother. I don't know if I can hold all this love. Please, don't let me be the only source of love. I watch you  prepare the food; chop the potatoes, slice the papaya, and fry it with salt, pepper, and the presence of your love. You ceaselessly give whenever, wherever, and however you can. There is no "no" in your heart, you only look for Yes's, the openings, the way to penetrate more deeply into the soul.

So why does my heart put up these walls, a resistance to love's embrace? Why can't I be loved like this, or like that? What am I holding onto? Or is it truly my body's wisdom that I need to listen to? Maybe it's too early for me to fall in love, or to paint the illusion of this unburstable bubble. I just want to be your intimate teacher; can we just hold each other? Why can't I just be held by you; maybe I don't need to be pounded into submission;

You saw me in the hallway of Las Gemelas; the Twins, which are the names of two rocks out of the shore of Manuel Antonio. I was already avoiding unwanted attention from another man who was coming on too strong; you looked me square in the eyes, and said "you're beautiful". If only I had known your depth at a glance. Your eyes were closed, I passed you by, and you felt the dakini's light pass through your body; only to open your eyes into mine. Who is this woman? Why do I feel this inner attraction, you say? I must express my heart for this beloved in front of me. I just laugh it off and stumble into the stall of the bathroom in a drunken swagger. 

After having a night of total debauchery at the discotheque in Quepos, I return to the bar seat at Las Gemelas; I order a cold juice on a simmering hot day. You sit down next to me, join me in my avoidance of the scary world which stole my passport the day before. I'm frustrated and tired, tired of men always wanting something more from me. I use a synnacle voice, but that doesn't deter you from only being sweet to me. You call the U.S. embassy, asking what I need to do to re-issue a passport. You are only in service as you feed me bites of your breakfast plate; you already don't let me feed myself. 

We check out at the restaurant and we walk, I feel your attention like the sun's heat on a blossoming flower in the summertime;  we walk but I don't really care where we are going. What is it that we are looking for? Oh yeah, we are looking for my friend, but we don't find her for hours. Our journey leads us to yoga and massage and swimming on the beach. After we are pummeled by body surfing a few big waves, you lead me to fresh water. You wash the sand off my body, taking extra care around my face and forehead, and gently rub the particles off my ears. You dry every part of my body with a towel. I feel your love in every movement, every wipe is a caress from your heart, and I surrender and am enveloped in something deeper; you don't want something from me, you only want to give more, just for the sake of giving. 

We walk back into town, after our baptism of fresh water, and rejoin my friends at a dinner table. I'm in total bliss, knocked off balance by this indescribable feeling, the love-struck spell of Manuel is in full-effect. Be careful what you say in Costa Rica, it might come true. If you say "Universe, I want to fall in love again" it is listening; cupids arrow knows no time, it will strike and you will be hit. 

After munching some chips and salsa and talking with my friends, I realize that I forgot my hat where we rinsed out bodies; you run off to get it. You return not only with the hat, but four hand-made glass pendants; two for me, and one for each of my friends; I feel your love overflowing with gifts, again for the sake of giving. Your sacred service is off the hook. I'm in complete awe of you.

My friends want to leave town; I look at you and say, I'm going to stay with you tonight, and ride the bus back to Dominical in the morning. Shaktiva leaves, seeing how blissful I am, but warning me with her eyes to be careful. 

We run off into the sunset, realizing how unreal this all is, taking photos in the gorgeous light of dusk, watching married couples utilize the light of lovers; waves crash into my soul, pulling me this way and that, I feel everything.

You crash into me, like the biggest and wettest wave, then bringing me safely to shore in your arms. You work out every tension in my body with your force. Blue cosmic storm, you can't help but blow the heavenly force of wind and water into my every pore, inside and out, shaking anything out that needs to leave my body. Cleansed, and washed with your sweat, we retire into the midnight air, only to awaken at dawn with God's light.

We rise just before dawn, stumbling with no food or water into the national park, alone, before anyone else ruins the path with human footprints. It's just you, me, and the jungle. Silently we walk through the morning air, stopping here and there to admire the creation of Lila before us. I can't help but feel the pull of the tides on my heart. We end our excursion with a mad sprint to the ocean. You fly by me with your thick and powerful legs, faster than a horse, like the most powerful animal on earth, you are. We once again take off our clothes and bathe in the ocean. 

You slice the mango before me this morning, days later, with furious passion; you give me sample bites of fruit as you arrange the rest as the most holy fruit mandala, drizzled with honey and love. You are so ridiculous, I can't help but surrender to your greatness. You are best when in service, slicing, lifting, hammering, tending, washing, cleaning me with love. 

We went to the waterfalls, not knowing what Creation had in store for us. We lay under the pummeling water, screaming with delight, pleasure, and terror. There's nothing stronger than Nature's fury, nothing more humbling than the power of wind and water, gravity and grace. I scream with delight, knowing that I can be taken at any moment. I really have no say in when I go. When mama wants to take me home, I am going, for there is no force to counteract that of death. No amount of anger or light to challenge God's light. I scream in delight and terror; this edge of life and death is so thrilling; I crash into the water, seeking land after the Nauyaca's falls thoroughly plummet into my soul. You join me in  a tantric moment. Two love birds play and chirp above us, acknowledging our connection. They pirch up on the rocks, in the shape of a heart; just happy to be with one another. They let out one more playful song for us, tickling our hearts into joy. I can't believe what is before me. We rise to hike back down the mountain; the birds sing and fly over our heads.

What does this all mean? I'm not sure. I'm just trying to come into greater appreciation. Can I just receive, be graceful, surrender and appreciate this man before me? Why is love hard for me to sink into; my independence of self is stronger than that, or so I think. 

You sneak up behind me, share a kiss and wrap me up in warmth. For now, just for this moment, I surrender into your love. Me encantan, mi amor. 

Om Mata, Om Kali; Even God Has a Mother

As I sit here in my last day of my Kauai retreat with a candle lit, a softened heart, with a shrine to my Shiva Lingham that I just drew for homework, I can't help but feel a bit saddened, but deepened into the mystery of life. On this burning candle on one side is an image of the Virgin De Guadalupe and on the other side, it says, "Mater Immaculata Ora Pronobis", which I have googled to mean

"Mother of God Pray for Us; Mother of God, Pray for Us!" and it has this beautiful image on it of the

Divine, mysterious, all-forgiving mother; notice the crescent moon at her feet, roses on her gown; all symbolism that has been coming up for me this week. We are praying to Kali, but somehow this one, the Virgin de San Juan has made it into my consciousness. Oh mother of God, pray for us!


What birthed God; what audacity to create this world, this universe, this breath! What kind of fierce compassion, to have give risen to worlds, knowing full well of ALL the pain and hardship and suffering that we will endure, but knowing in the end, we will experience Divine Glory, because that's All There Is. She's the mother of this Divine Spirit, the birther of breath, the sacredness of all life. 


Which relates to the first line of the Lord's Prayer in Aramaic, the language that Jesus spoke; 


Abwoon d'bwashmaya,
Nethqadash shmakh,
Teytey malkuthakh.
Nehwey tzevyanach aykanna d'bwashmaya aph b'arha.
Hawvlan lachma d'sunqanan yaomana.
Washboqlan khaubayn (wakhtahayn)
aykana daph khnan shbwoqan l'khayyabayn.
Wela tahlan l'nesyuna.
Ela patzan min bisha.
Metol dilakhie malkutha wahayla wateshbukhta l'ahlam almin.
Amen.


Which could come to mean something much more than "Our father who art in heaven," but as;


O Cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration!
Soften the ground of our being
and carve us a space within us
where Your Presence can abide.

Fill us with Your creativity
so that we may be empowered
to bear the fruit of Your mission.

Let each of our actions bear fruit
in accordance with our desire.

Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share
what each being needs to grow and flourish.

Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us,
As we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes.

Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true Purpose,
But illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.

For You are the ground and the fruitful vision,
the birth-power and fulfillment,
as all is gathered and made whole once again. 


This prayer reads much differently than the one we see in the bible, which doesn't acknowledge the feminine principal as the creatrix of worlds, of sustenance, of life.


So I bow to the sweetness in between our pulse; this vast empty space of the Shiva consciousness, and the sudden blood rushing through the heart, the BOOM BOOM, that fills the emptiness with the matter of life; our blood, the Shakti. We must bow to these energies that are inside the body! 

 

Landing in Kauai, Breathing in Love, Let go of Attachment.

I have arrived in a gorgeous house in the Kilauea North Shore Coast of Kauai. Maybe it's the yoga, maybe it's the ocean, maybe my heart is still processing being away from my lover. But it wants to burst out in extreme laughter and tears at the same time. I want to become the insanity of the ocean, bash against the rocks and be cleansed from all of this. My body wants to become a huge force of nature, to scream, shake, to be ecstatically alive and ripped open at the same time!

We started with our morning yoga practice with 15 sleepy goddesses at 6:30 am, which when in the islands, seems natural to be awake even if it's dark outside and getting less than my usual 8 hours of sleep. We opened to chanting, deep belly breathing, through the lower belly then the upper chest and diaprahgm. Inhale "SO" exhale "HUM." Breath of fire, and deep uddianabhanda. We held our hands above our head, squeezing our life force into our bodies until we shook. Push against the boundaries of reality until we break open. Stir shakti, shake shakti, invoke shakti. Allow her to dance with you, to play with you, to be a force that beckons you open into the greater reality and framework of the invisible life force that is all around us. In fact a I would go so far as to say that Shakti IS the fabric of the Universe. She is the creation force that makes our breathe possible, that created our bodies, that created the illusion that we are separate, but she is also gently guiding our way home into greater unity. Into greater power.

We are being gently coached into harnessing our sexual power for transformation. Can we use our Swadisthana for greater awakening into our realized selves? Lets stir it up. I'm cooking my own juices into the greater wisdom of my heart, so that I may offer it up. So that you may eat from my fruit. So that I may look into your eyes more lovingly, more full; full of what? Full of the sparkling luster of truth. That all there is is LOVE. You can cut me into a million pieces, but I will still exist. The fabric/blueprint/soul essence of me is still alive, pulsating in the endless spanda of the universe.

So we're going beneath the surface of seen reality into the unseen; the subconscious emotions and mind; underground, beneath the earth's surface, to the right side of our brain. Think of the root chakra and the sacral chakra as being beneath the Earth's surface, and we finally emerge into the light of the Sun with the solar plexus; which is related to sight, to the Sun, to our individuation, to our personal power to create. But beneath this is a great mysterious womb, which is our "Own Abode", where we feel a sense of privacy and protection over our sacred Temple Site.

So through the Left Hand path of Tantra, we are being asked to embrace, not shun this part of ourselves, to empower our sexuality in order to transmute and awaken. If you're intention is for awakening for the betterment of all beings, then so be it. Sometimes we have lower level desires, so this chakra/sexuality is shunned and yogis become celibate as part of their awakening process. Both are right. Both need to be embraced. We must not shun any part of our being. Can we be disciplined and free? Can we have our set value systems, and also be able to make empowered decisions for ourselves as to how and when and why we share our energy?

A little excerpt about this chakra;

"In the Indian Tantric tradition, this chakra, called the Swadhisthana or "Self or Own Abode", is figured as having six petals, white in colour, and with a crescent in the center, the tattwa of water.  This chakra therefore corresponds to the element Water and is traditionally associated with the sexual impulses and sexual energy.  I would be suggested that it does not, however, correspond to the sex-organs as such, which are under the supervision of the Sacral and Pubic Centres, but to the original subtle energy behind the sexual impulse.

Indian teachings place a lot of emphasise on celibacy, in order to raise and transmute this powerful sexual energy to the brain (or, more correctly, the Upper Tien Tan Centre, to use the Taoistparadigm), increasing higher consciousness.  This is actually the basic principle behind celibacy in all religions, including Catholicism.  In practice however, this noble ideal flounders, because the individual is not yet ready to renounce physical sex, and may become psychologically unbalanced, full of guilt, or turn to paedophilia or other unnatural forms of sex."

So through the Left Hand path of Tantra, we are being asked to embrace, not shun this part of ourselves, to empower our sexuality in order to transmute and awaken. If you're intention is for awakening for the

I believe we must not suppress a part of our inherent nature to sexually express ourselves. We must also harness it with great wisdom and power, not allowing the lion to run untamed, wild, and completely free. It is always a fine line to be in sexual integrity, which is why I am so grateful to be with a teacher who embraces this is energy, and is showing us step by step how to use it with inquiry and wisdom. 

I will let you know how practice goes tomorrow!

New Moon Intentions to Center my Being

Mooning on the new moon, as I have over the last three or four months. She is much more gentle, calm, and sweet than the Full Moon. The dark mother gently pulls me in, gives me downloads, Shakti, and powers of psychic vision. I am being guided to set my intentions today, as I am quiet, clear and conscious, and cleaned out.

I have been deepening my yoga practice, and cleansing since Saturday. I'm on day 4 of all liquids, and feel hungry, but not starving. It's quite fun to test the boundaries of hunger and strength; we are so used to needing 3 solid meals a day. I'm quite happy on little right now.

I have decided that after my 1-month Saddhana practice with Psalm, to continue on this path of deepening my practice of yoga and fly to Kauai for at least a week and practice on the Island of Nectar.

For some reason the Sri Yantra is coming to me as a potent symbol for this trip, going deeply inward into the sacred matrix of my soul;

Truly the gifts of this sacred ancient image are endless; Shiva and Skakti consecrate their love in the middle with a red and white bindu, of blood and semen, forming a third color of the two mixed together. Truly this mysterious liquid that creates life deep in our beings is potent, latent power just waiting to explode inside of ourselves!

We have been chanting to Lalita in my month long class; the goddess of Divine Play, of creation, of the undying essence that never fades away when the physical dies.

This quote was taken from "Religious Worlds," which takes us deeper into the this Goddess;


Lalita means She Who Plays. All creation, manifestation and dissolution is considered to be a play of Devi or the goddess. Mahatripurasundari is her name as transcendent beauty of the three cities, a description of the goddess as conqueror of the three cities of the demons, or as the triple city (Tripura), but really a metaphor for a human being.
What then is a yantra? The word is usually translated as a machine, but in the special sense of the tantrik tradition refers to the Devi in her linear or geometrical form. Yantras, by the way, are always used flat. They may be two-dimensional or three-dimensional. Every aspect of Devi has her own mantra and yantra. The yantra of Devi Lalita is Shri Yantra. The divinity of the yantra always occupies the centre or apex.
The different parts or petals and lines of the yantra are usually arranged in concentric circles (mandalas) and contain rays or sub-limbs of devi. The Shri Yantra has nine of these mandals, each filled with various aspects of the Devi. In Shri Yantra there are 111 aspects. The Shri Yantra is said to be a geometric form of the human body, which implies that goddess as Macrocosm is one with human being as Microcosm.

In this year of 2011, where if you ad up your birth year (mine being '84) with the age you will be this year (27), then you will get 111. Hmmm...it seems to be the year that resonates with Lalita, or the Sri Yantra, a geometric and universal shape that resonates with 111. This is also a portal number, relating to the year of the RABIT in the Chinese Astrology that we are entering into on this NEW MOON.


"Not many people know that the Rabbit is the symbol of the Moon, while the Peacock is the symbol of the Sun, and that together, these two animal signs signify the start of day and night, represent the Yin and Yang of life.  It is said that anyone making supplications for wishes to be fulfilled are certain to get what they want... and in the Year of the Rabbit, the wish-granting aspect of the Sun and the Moon combined is multiplied.  The Moon is YIN and this is the Yin of Heaven, signifying magic.  Thus on each of the Full Moon nights of this year, go out into your garden to gaze into the Full Moon and visualize plenty of Moon dust and Moon glow flowing into you, filling your whole body with bright white light and granting you fearlessness, love and courage.  This will not only strengthen your inner "Chi" energy, it will also bring wisdom into your life.a'


NEW MOON. So I wish to activate this 111 portal within me, to develop an even stronger relationship with Lalita, chanting her mantra everyday, and to play in the Divine Matrix of the Sri Yantra, being shown these subtle yet powerful YONIVERSAL downloads. 


Ka-e-i-la-Hrim-Amrita ha-sa-ka-ha-la-Hrim-Ananda sa-ka-la-hrim-Janani

May it be so!!

I want to be held, I don't want to let go!

As I was sitting in my Tantric Yab Yum practice today, with a fully charge and yummy activated male, I had the thought "I want to be HELD." And this was funny because I was being embraced, but it didn't satisfy my need because I was also embracing him. I wanted the feeling of totally letting go into my beloved's arms, and the ability to completely surrender into GOD. Then I had the feeling of not wanting to let go of my feelings for my old lover. He's so close to my heart, so programmed into my body, the cords run so deep that even in the face of a new beloved, I cannot love them. I don't want to let go of this old love, which feels eternal. I only want to expand into greatness. And I want him to expand into his greatness. I don't want to let go. I just want to be let in to LOVE.

So I sat there, breathing deep UJAI breath, inhale "SOOOOO" exhale "HUM", and I am cradling this beautiful man, who's having a spiritual experience in my lap, and I just keep holding these points on his back, directing the energy to flow. No force, not even much intention, just holding the shakti, being the container for his kundalini to rise. And it did...I think he had an internal orgasm with his clothes on!! Quite beautiful experience, but I was too out of it from cleansing on liquids for three days to feel a whole lot. I truly just wanted to cuddle up next to a blanket and stare into my ex-lover's eyes and cry. But he is too far away for that!

That leads me to this crazy feeling that I've had since Sunday of swimming in my emotions, my heart chakra vibrating/contracting and trying to move out of my chest.  I know my truth; I wish to re-unite with him, in a perfect world, in his perfect divine radiance, him full of support and bliss. But I'm afraid my communication to spend some time with his this month was too much for him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to be my Valentine. That's an interesting thing to say to someone you broke up with a month before. He's just trying to let go, move on, forget about all of it. And here I pop into his consciousness saying, "You're still my beloved, I still love you, I still want to be in your arms." I didn't exactly get the reaction I wanted. And when I don't get what I want, my spirit figures out something better! After crying and screaming, and mourning, and trying to make sense of it all, I go back to my yoga.

After my Yab Yum practice today, feeling deep in meditation, and guided by spirit, I am surrendering to my heart's call to go to Hawaii. My teacher is doing a two week retreat there, and the island of Kauai is calling me to her; a place to heal, center, ground, and breathe. To re-connect with who I really am, and what I am here to do; writing, creating, visioning, and dreaming, awakening.

I spent Valentine's last year chanting to Shiva in a yoga workshop all day in San Francisco. I'll spend this Valentines on an airplane to the islands. chanting to Shakti. I suppose my greatest beloved that never stops loving me is the Divine. He/She/It Will always prevail; before any relationship took form, before I could ever feel betrayed, the Divine has held my hand and heart. The Divine will always catch my fall. She is gently showing me that I am my own dream come true!

Happy Valentines day, Lauren, I love you.