As I was sitting in my Tantric Yab Yum practice today, with a fully charge and yummy activated male, I had the thought "I want to be HELD." And this was funny because I was being embraced, but it didn't satisfy my need because I was also embracing him. I wanted the feeling of totally letting go into my beloved's arms, and the ability to completely surrender into GOD. Then I had the feeling of not wanting to let go of my feelings for my old lover. He's so close to my heart, so programmed into my body, the cords run so deep that even in the face of a new beloved, I cannot love them. I don't want to let go of this old love, which feels eternal. I only want to expand into greatness. And I want him to expand into his greatness. I don't want to let go. I just want to be let in to LOVE.
So I sat there, breathing deep UJAI breath, inhale "SOOOOO" exhale "HUM", and I am cradling this beautiful man, who's having a spiritual experience in my lap, and I just keep holding these points on his back, directing the energy to flow. No force, not even much intention, just holding the shakti, being the container for his kundalini to rise. And it did...I think he had an internal orgasm with his clothes on!! Quite beautiful experience, but I was too out of it from cleansing on liquids for three days to feel a whole lot. I truly just wanted to cuddle up next to a blanket and stare into my ex-lover's eyes and cry. But he is too far away for that!
That leads me to this crazy feeling that I've had since Sunday of swimming in my emotions, my heart chakra vibrating/contracting and trying to move out of my chest. I know my truth; I wish to re-unite with him, in a perfect world, in his perfect divine radiance, him full of support and bliss. But I'm afraid my communication to spend some time with his this month was too much for him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to be my Valentine. That's an interesting thing to say to someone you broke up with a month before. He's just trying to let go, move on, forget about all of it. And here I pop into his consciousness saying, "You're still my beloved, I still love you, I still want to be in your arms." I didn't exactly get the reaction I wanted. And when I don't get what I want, my spirit figures out something better! After crying and screaming, and mourning, and trying to make sense of it all, I go back to my yoga.
After my Yab Yum practice today, feeling deep in meditation, and guided by spirit, I am surrendering to my heart's call to go to Hawaii. My teacher is doing a two week retreat there, and the island of Kauai is calling me to her; a place to heal, center, ground, and breathe. To re-connect with who I really am, and what I am here to do; writing, creating, visioning, and dreaming, awakening.
I spent Valentine's last year chanting to Shiva in a yoga workshop all day in San Francisco. I'll spend this Valentines on an airplane to the islands. chanting to Shakti. I suppose my greatest beloved that never stops loving me is the Divine. He/She/It Will always prevail; before any relationship took form, before I could ever feel betrayed, the Divine has held my hand and heart. The Divine will always catch my fall. She is gently showing me that I am my own dream come true!
Happy Valentines day, Lauren, I love you.
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