Resistance to Release

Cooking in the stew of emotional and physical triggers, yet I am still finding a way to be gentle with myself and allow these difficult feelings to arise. My heart wants to scream, I want to explode in all directions so at least I would feel something more than mildly lame. Mediocre is so frustrating. I would rather feel pain than numbness. At least it's something different than the pit in my heart. I'm not sure if I"m empty, yet fullness feels so far away right now. Perhaps when I've been truly happy, it's been fleeting moments of fantasy, while I'm on vacation, or just twirling in ecstasy while I'm dancing. Who am I if I'm not ecstatic? Static?

Holding myself is getting tiresome. I can't be the container and the water. This vessel wants to let go now. She wants to dive deep, and experience the extraordinary, but for now I'm stuck in this bubble of ordinariness. I will get away soon. My gemini nature just wants to run, and never come back; always a new change of scenery keeps my mind from getting stagnant. But for now, she has reached a stalemate. No where to run, no where to hide but right here inside this empty drum in my chest.