MAY THE WAVES TAKE THE LAST EXHALE

AS I LAY MY HEAD DOWN TO REST LAST NIGHT, AFTER A WEEK-LONG BATTLE WITH A BRONCHIAL INFECTION, UNABLE TO REALLY BREATHE OR RELAX, MY HEAD IN FEVERISH CONFUSED CLOUDS….

I FINALLY TOOK A DEEP BREATH, I INHALED FULLY,

AND AS I EXHALED, I AFFIRMED TO MYSELF THAT

“MY MAN IS OUT THERE AND IT IS NOT HIM.”

YOU KNOW THE “HIM”, THE ONE I HAD A PERFECT LOVE STORY WITH, THE HIM THAT BROKE ME IN WAYS I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD BE BROKEN.

I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED THAT HE IS FAR MORE BROKEN THAN ME, AND HE HAS NO CAPABILITY TO NOT BREAK EVERYTHING HE COMES INTO CONTACT WITH.

WE’VE BEEN IN CONTACT, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE HAD THE DESIRE TO GO TO A FESTIVAL TOGETHER, SO I GOT HIM A TICKET, THINKING OH, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE THIS FUN WEEKEND TOGETHER. WELL HE STARTED TO PULL OUT THE DAY BEFORE THE FESTIVAL, AND I SOLD HIS TICKET, BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND HIS WISHY WASHY BULLSHIT. HE COULD FIND TIME TO CALL ME EVERY DAY LEADING UP TO THE FESTIVAL, AND SINCE THEN I’VE GOTTEN NOTHING BUT; SILENCE;

HE WILL SPEAK TO ME WHEN HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME, AND IGNORE ME WHEN HE DOESN’T.

SOMEHOW WE ARE STILL KARMICALLY TIED TOGETHER, FOR AFTER A WEEK OF IGNORING EACH OTHER, WE ALMOST LITERALLY WALK INTO ONE ANOTHER AT A CAFÉ IN MALIBU; 45 MIN AWAY FROM MY HOUSE, AN HOUR AT LEAST AWAY FROM HIS, AND I AM WALKING OUTSIDE OF THE CAFÉ DOOR AS HE IS WALKING IN; OUR EYES MEET IN AN AWKWARD HELLO, AND AS USUAL, HE’S STAND-OFFISH, BUT CORDIAL. I HUG HIM NONETHELESS BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE HE IS I KNOW HE STILL NEEDS LOVE; YELLING AT HIM IS GOING TO ACCOMPLISH NOTHING.

HE GRABS HIS COFFEE, WE SIT DOWN TO TALK, SMALL TALK. I SAY NOTHING ABOUT HOW MUCH HIS ACTIONS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT; BUT IVE KNOWN THIS FOR THE LAST YEAR; HIS CHARMS ARE WEARING THIN, HIS FACE IS GETTING HARDENED, HIS SKIN EVEN WHITER THAN I REMEMBER, HIS SMILE ALMOST COMPLETELY ERASED.

HE HAD JUST COME FROM SURFING, FOR HOURS IN THE COLD WATER ON THIS OVERCAST JULY DAY IN CALIFORNIA; MY BUNNY, JUST A SHELL OF HIS PAST SELF THAT I WAS SO IN LOVE WITH.

HE MAKES SLY COMMENTS, SLIGHTLY PUTTING ME DOWN IN ORDER TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL BETTER; HE HAS BEEN COMPLETLEY UNSUCCESSFUL AT BREAKING INTO HOLLYWOOD, SIGNING CONTRACTS WITH STUDIOS, AND THEM NOT GIVING HIM PROPER FUNDING TO FILM THE MOVIE, SO NOW HE OWES INVESTORS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FROM A FILM THAT WAS NEVER EVEN MADE. HIS HEELS HAVE DIGGED DEEP INTO DEBT, HIS ONCE HOPEFUL FACE THAT I MET ON THAT FATEFUL DAY IN JUNE, HIS COCKY STANCE THAT SO SEDUCTLY DRAWS YOU NEAR IS GONE; HE IS A CYNCICLE COLD SHELL IMPRESSION OF HIMSELF.

HE’S TRULY APOLOGIZED TO ME ONCE; FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT HE PUT ME THROUGH; FOR NOT BEING THE MAN THAT HE THOUGHT HE COULD BE; FOR LEADING ME THROUGH AN ENDLESS LABRYNTH OF EMPTY PROMISSES; OF HOPEFUL LOVE THAT MAYBE ONE DAY PULL THROUGH.

ALL OF THAT HOPE HAS FADED, AND NOW ALL WE HAVE LEFT IS THIS EMPTY CONVERSATION; I TELL HIM ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE AT LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE; HE HAS SELECTIVE LISTENING, ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO JUDGE, TO PICK APART, TO INVALIDATE MY EXPERIENCE, MY MAGICK, MY MAJESTY. I AM A QUEEN, AND IF HE WAS ONCE MY KING, HE HAS FALLEN FROM GRACE.

YES I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY, AND I HAVE TOLD HIM SO; THAT I WILL LOVE HIM ON HIS GRUMPY ASS DEATH BED, STILL WISH HIM BEAUTY, COMPASSSION AND GRACE, TO NO RESPONSE. NOT EVEN A “THANK YOU HAHA,” THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE TREATED YOU LIKE COMPLETE SHIT, DISREGUARDED YOUR DESIRE TO HELP ME IN ANY WAY, AND I’LL CALL YOU THE NEXT TIME I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU, OTHERWISE I WILL JUST IGNORE YOUR VERY EXISTANCE.

THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS TIME TOGETHER, HE KEPT ME AROUND TO BE HIS FRIEND. I CAN’T EVEN BE THAT ANYMORE. FRIENDS HAVE THE DECENY TO ASK, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, “IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO FOR YOU?’ THEY EXTEND THEIR CONSCIENCE, JUST FOR A MOMENT OUTSIDE OF THEMSELVES, AND THINK OF OTHERS. HE SEEMS COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF THINKING OUTSIDE OF HIS IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION; NOT ONCE HAS HE REACHED OUT AND EXTENDED HIS GENEROSITY TO SEE HOW HE COULD HELP ME.

AND THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS TIME, I HAVE NOT CHOSEN TO CLOSE MY HEART, BUT TO OPEN IT TO THE UNIVERSE, TO EXTEND MYSELF TO GENEROSITY, TO NOT HATE, BUT CONTINUE TO LOVE. MAYBE THIS WAS NEVER LOVE TO BEGIN WITH, MAYBE IT WAS ALL JUST SOME PRETENSE OF LOVE, OF MANIPULATING THE SITUATION ALWAYS TO HIS FAVOR, AND WHEN HE HAS NO USE FOR ME ANYMORE, HE CAN SO EASILY DISPOSE OF WHAT HE ONCE CARED ABOUT, WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GOOD-BYE.

I TOOK A DEEP BREATH LAST NIGHT, AND AS I EXHALED, I SAID TO MYSELF,

“MY MAN IS OUT THERE FOR ME, AND IT IS NOT HIM.”

MY ENTIRE BODY RELAXED, I AM AT PEACE WITH IT ALL; AND ALTHOGUH MY HIGHEST DESIRE IS FOR LOVE; IT IS FOR THE REAL LOVE; WHERE THE MAN IS WILLING TO EXTEND BEYOND HIMSELF, TO BECOME A BETTER MAN FOR HIS WOMAN, TO GROWN IN COURAGE AND IN STRENGTH, THAT HE WOULD GO TO ALL LENGTHS OF THE GLOBE FOR HIS LOVE; I AM WORTHY OF THAT MAN, AND ALTHOUGH HE MAY NOT WALK INTO MY LIFE TOMORROW, I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT MAN.